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Mommy

Song playing is: Sunrise Sunset from Fiddler

Oh how I miss you

When I had you, I didn't appreciate you enough. I didn't appreciate all the things you did for us. All the sacrifices that you made. 

The chicken backs you ate, with barely any meat on them, so we could have the good pieces. The way you stretched every little morsel, starting out with a ham, and then going to ham ala king, and finally pea soup, getting every single shred of nutrition out of each and every dinner you cooked. When we got a little older, and in school all day, you went to work in the meat department of a grocery store. There you were able to get dusty meat, (that is, meat that had changed color slightly,) for the price of hamburger. They had to take it out of the counter so the customers wouldn't complain, but we never knew the difference, and to be honest, there wasn't really a difference, just to the eye. We ate well, real well, after you went to work. We had steak once a week and chops, and just everything. We never did waste, and you still always got the most out of everything. We were brought up to appreciate what we had, and I never knew until I got much, much older that, at times, (winters), we were actually kind of poor.

I remember bill collectors calling, and I was to answer the phone and say that my parents were not at home. Then, they would come to the house and ring the bell, and we would get down on the floor so they wouldn't see us. One of us would kind of crawl around so we could see when they left and we could all get up again.

The clothes you went without, so I could have, just one, angora sweater to make me feel like the other girls in school. It didn't help, but I never told you that. You would have been too hurt.

You were so beautiful Mom. I used to love lying on your bed helping you pick what you were going to wear when you and Dad went out, which wasn't often. Now that I think back, it must have been hard to pick your clothes because, you didn't have much. It all went to us. I remember in particular a blue sailor suit type dress you wore. You looked like a movie star when you wore it. That was my favorite. 

Oh how these times must have been terrible for you and Dad, and you never let on! I never remember you complaining.

Dad had a cement business, but there wasn't work in winter, and somehow he never saved enough from summer to get us through the winter. He wasn't around much at night because he tended bar. He was reduced to working a job like that, but times were hard, and jobs were few, and a person had to take what was available.

You know, I never felt poor, we always had fun! You guys did a lot with us. We used to go bow and arrow shooting down at Dad's concrete yard, and we actually had a target practice in our basement. You taught us how to play all kinds of cards, and as a family we played together. Almost everywhere you guys went, you took us along, and late every Sunday morning after church, you would take us to the bowling alley where Dad worked, and while you guys relaxed a while with your friends, we learned how to bowl, and shoot pool, and taught ourselves how to set pins. Then at a certain time we would leave, and we were all excited for we knew the dinner was always steak. We didn't know that it was dusty, and it wouldn't have mattered, it was so good! We would go home and all pitch in, making salad, fried onions, mashed potatoes, and yes, that wonderful steak. Those were the best dinners, week after week, every week.

I never knew until I was much older, what working in that cold meat cooler day after day, did to your body. You guys never let on what the circumstances were, and I only realized, a little at a time, just how hard it was for both of you, both physically and mentally. On Friday nights, you would cook hamburgers and french-fries, or deep fried smelt for us and our friends. None of us realized how tired you must have been after working so hard and feeling so bad. You always did it with a smile on your face, happy to have your kids around you, no matter what price you had to pay!

After quite a few years of this, and I had already left home, Dad lost the concrete business, and finally went to work for a automobile manufacturer. Oh, that was the pits, it was a good job, but he had always worked outside, and this took all the life out of him. He never was ever, really the same.

You kept working your meat wrapping job, and by that time I was married, and you got dusty meat for us as well. Through the years of working so hard, you finally had a heart attack at about age 55. It took you a long time to recover, and meanwhile, Grandma, your Mother died, and this was hard also. Social Security turned down your disability application, so after a time you went back to the meat department in the cooler. In time, this store closed down, and you got another job, at another store, first as a meat wrapper, and then after a while you were able to transfer to becoming a checker. This was better, in a way on your body, as you were out of the cold, but the damage was done from all the years of being in the cold and on your feet. By now you had huge calluses on the bottom of your feet, and also carpal tunnel in both hands. You must have been in terrible pain, but you never really let on, you just suffered in silence, and kept on doing what had to be done.

Then Dad got sick, he had the balance disease, labrinthytis. It is a disease of the inner ear and makes you dizzy. He obviously couldn't work on an assembly line with this condition, and after a long, difficult fight, he finally got social security disability. Not too long afterwards, you left your job, this was all in the early 70's, and you guys bought a small trailer house in Green Bay, and spent as much time there as you could. You guys had a few good years, and then in about 1977 you had a quad heart bypass, which you almost didn't recover from, and then in 1979, our Dad got cancer. You were right with him during the whole thing, even stayed at the hospice when he got real bad. Dad died in January of 1980, and left a terrible void in all of our lives, but most particularly yours! Once again though, except for a few moments on and off, you were in control of yourself, a strong woman, what can I say except that?

After that, as time went by, you had many surgeries. You had the double carpal tunnel, both at once, and stayed with us for a short period of time, until you could use your hands, and then you were off again to home. You had various arterial bypasses, and each time my brother and I would be with you at the hospital, and you would say that you weren't going to make it, and we should always stick together. Always the Mother, always thinking about your children. Well, you always fooled them, the doctors, the predictors, you always made it back to us. What a strong woman you were!

Eventually, you had to sell the house, and get rid of your friend Kelly and move into an apartment. It was all just too much for you to handle, and our time was limited because we both had families by then. I am sure you shed quite a few tears over that also, but you kept most of it to yourself as usual. At the time I never realized it, and I am sure my brother didn't either.

Time went on, and you would drive to our house after I got home from work and the two of us would go out to eat. You just loved it. Eating out was one of your favorite things to do, and the thing you liked to do the most was to take the whole family out to eat. You would have us all together, and you were in your glory. One year you even went to Spooner with me and my family. I still didn't really appreciate you to the fullest, and never really thought how things would be if you weren't here, but now I know.

You died a number of years ago, alone, as you wanted it, and I feel so guilty still, about that, even though I know you wouldn't want me to. I never realized until time went by, how much I would miss you. You were not only my Mother, but a darn good friend. One I could always count on for anything, no matter what. You loved us so much, and even when we were all grown up, we still came first! I know now the pain you went through just to be with us, to be part of some of the things that we did. You knew no greater joy, than to be with your "kids".

My dad told me once that I would never come close to being the kind of person that you were, and at last, I understand what he meant. In some ways, he may have been right.

I miss you Mom! I have been so sick, and although I have had so many prayers, and love, and support, oh what I wouldn't give, just to be able to put my head in your lap, and bawl my eyes out! But, I can't do that, you are gone, and no one else can take your place. That special place that only a Mom like you, can fill.  That special place that I could come to, no matter what, and whether you understood or not, you were always there. I know for sure, you are in a much better place, but I have to selfishly say, "Mom, I miss you, I wish you were here, and I always will until we meet again."  

Until that day, I will try to be brave and strong, and try not to complain too much. I know that I have been hard to deal with many times, especially since I have been so very sick, and I will try......... no, I will...... pick up the pieces now, and go on facing life as you always did, with courage and dignity, and try to smile through my tears."

Love, from your daughter

Bunny      

      Footnote: Some of my dates/facts could be out of order, as it is a long time ago, but the intention is still there

THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
by Zahra Faisal Asghar 

As I stand here and look down 
upon your grave... you lying so still..
so silent... tired and all spent of your share of life 
that used to surround you...
of love for people around you.
I have admired your strength,
you stood strong when it was so much easier to give in. 
You were there to celebrate 
the joyous times our family saw..
You went a million miles out of your way
to make rainbows out of rainy days...
You had a unique way of transforming
life's difficult moments...
into love's greatest memories.
As I bend to kiss you this one last 'goodbye'...
wishing with all my heart 
that from behind those closed eyes,
your soul is able to feel the words
sent from my heart to you, 
which now can only be 
expressed by my crying thoughts,
wrapped in every tear drop,
the gratitude and thanks 
for the 'unconditional forever kind of love 
you have showered upon me
at all times, never asking anything in return,
in spite of the heartbreak and pain 
I may have caused you...
God be my witness as He watches from above,
I may never ever find...Your kind of love...

© 5-11-2000 by Bunny 

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