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So many hurting people out there, please pray for them.  

This story is probably seems to be told strangely, because I go back and forth from Mary, to her mom, to my thoughts, and to poems and prayers, but bear with me, this is a heartbreaker to tell.

This Page Is Dedicated To Mary, Little Butterfly

  Let go of the past. Trust the future. Embrace change. Come out of the cocoon. Unfurl your wings.

To Somewhere.....

       Where is Mary? 

A baby girl, born to wonderful parents. Three sons, she the first girl. Beautiful little girl.....Blonde hair, blue eyed, beautiful baby girl.

"I loved my boys with all my heart, and still do, but I wanted a little girl so badly. I can still remember being on the delivery table, and the doctor telling me that I had had a little girl! I just couldn't believe him, and kept saying, are you sure?" He finally took her little bottom, and put it right up to my face, and said, "Do you believe me now?" It was such a happy time in my life. She was a gift from God, as there were 3 boys, but no girl until Mary. 

Healthy, normal little girl........and then, a parent's worst nightmare.........convulsions when she was just 5 months old, and as a result of the convulsions she lost her sight, her hearing, and the ability to communicate with anyone. If there is any blessing here, it's that she is not aware of anything.

This is Mary's story, as told to me by her Mother, who for the last 40 years has died a thousand times, and cried millions of tears, and almost lost her sanity. This is written with her permission, and I will tell it the best I can. Unfortunately, at this time, there is no happy ending.

Yes, Mary is 40 now, and thank God her hearing came back as she loves music, and rocks to the beat. That's how they know she hears and that's all she can do. Mary is totally defenseless, and has no way of communicating with anyone. Her Mother prays constantly that no one will take advantage of her, as she is a baby in a woman's tiny body.

Mary lives in a nursing home. She doesn't know anyone.........she is in a crib, and has been for her whole life. She is totally blind, and has no control over the movement of her eyes. She does have a body cast so she can be put in a wheelchair from time to time to get out of the crib. Mary weighs a mere 52 pounds at the time of this writing, and her quality of life is not too good. The family has been asked to make the decision as to a feeding tube. Needless to say, this has been a very hard decision, but they (her mother), has decided to okay it. She feels, and rightly so, that God will take Mary when he is ready, regardless of whatever decision a human should make, and to not okay it, would be a death sentence for Mary, something else to bear the pain of.

Prayer: Lord, I am grateful that regardless of circumstances, I am never alone. Even in those times when I may feel alone, help me to confidently trust the promise of your unbroken companionship and your unchanging presence, knowing that you are with me always. In Jesus' name........Amen

There have been a lot of problems with Mary throughout these 40 years, and many emotions, heartbreak, and sorrow, for the family and mom feels so guilty for not keeping Mary at home, but there were other children, and she could have never given the care that was needed. Also the doctors told the family that Mary would not live for more than 3 weeks, and here we are 40 years later. Mom has been very faithfully looking after her child the best she can, under the circumstances. 

Going to the functions at the nursing home especially at Christmas is a very hard time. Trying to keep so much inside. Locked up, blocked off. Doesn't work, it still hurts terribly!

The pain and guilt have been unbearable, and the awful loneliness she felt. Visiting constantly, looking and watching this once beautiful, now, less than perfect child. Sometimes she is in pain, and that is the worst time of all. She still has occasional seizures (spastic seizures), and they do more damage to her brain, although it doesn't seem as though there is much more damage that can be done. It brings back the memories, of the first time, when her mom walked her up and down the hallway, with her body jerking in and out, knowing that something was terribly wrong. And when they got her to the hospital, she was virtually snatched out of their arms. If your child ever had an convulsion, you know what a horrible feeling it is to a parent. 

It is very difficult to sort things out (emotions), to wonder what decisions are being made for who. One has to wonder after while, how much a person can take, and then.....we remember, it's in God's hands, and he never gives more than a person can handle, and he never makes mistakes, whether we think so or not at times. 

When I think about it, and I have thought a lot over the past months since meeting Mary's mother, and through her........meeting Mary. That sounds strange I am sure, as I have never seen or talked to either, but through the magic of the Internet, I feel I know them both. Anyway, I wonder how.........how........this woman, Mary's mother has been able to function for all these years with the emotional highs and lows that this life of Mary's has brought. How could a parent, especially a mother ever get used to this?

There has been a multitude of decisions, breakdowns, hospitalization, therapy......many, many hard things that bring us to this day. And it's not done yet. Can't you wonder as I sometimes do, just how long this will go on. Mary's mom is in her 70's. Will Mary's life be over before hers? This she so desperately prays for. Who will look out for Mary after I am gone she thinks. And God gives her the strength to go on and on. Life is good except for this. A wonderful happy family, except for this. 

Mary is always missing..........where is Mary? 

The Dream

I had a dream the other night, it came to me so clear. I stood before the throne of God, afraid to come too near. God said to me "I hear your prayers, there's answers you can't find. I asked you here to talk to me and help you ease your mind. I said "Well yes God, I am disturbed about my special one. That punishment is awfully harsh. Whatever have I done?" God looked at me and shook his head and said "You've got it wrong. I sent this special child to you because you are so strong"..........

After a time, there was another girl born, and as much as she is loved, mom never could, until just lately, with the help of God, family, and friends, accept losing Mary. She has lived in fear....always, that something would happen to her other daughter. That what happened to Mary, would happen to her too.

So there are 4 other children......siblings, and nine grandchildren, but they have never really known Mary. She was virtually torn away from the family at that very young age, and they were all either very young, or yet to be born. They have gone through their lives with Mary being a somewhat of a shadow instead of a real life person. They hardly ever ask about her, and most of them don't visit. In her mom's words "it's been going on for so long, everyone thinks I should just be used to it by now", but how could you ever get used to this terror in your life? I think it must be like living on an emotional roller coaster, or a teeter-totter. Up, down, up, down, and just when you think you have it all in check.......a tiny bit of your heart opens up again, and the fear, sadness, heartache, and a million other emotions surface, to stab at your insides. The hole in your heart..........

I want to make it clear at this point, that Mary's mother is not a martyr, nor am I trying to make one out of her. She simply is a mother with an awful heartache and burden, yes burden, and I am trying to tell part of this forty years in the hopes that should you have a tragedy in your life, will you please turn to God if you haven't already done so! This is the only thing that has carried this family throughout these long years. Mary's mom says  "It's very difficult, and will take a long time, but hang in there, you will get through it." 

This is my real reason for writing this, and the real reason I have permission to write this. Not so you, the reader feel sorry for this family, which I am sure you do without me saying that, and you may have shed some tears, but please, please, let God help you. Don't carry a guilt so heavy, that at times has been almost unbearable, and would have been if it weren't for faith.

Let God remove your fear and terror. Ask him, pray to him.........now........please!

Things often happen in your life that you find hard to accept. Thoughts come back to trouble you time and time again. When something happens in your life that you find hard to accept, you must decide if there is anything you can do to change things. If there is, you must do what you can to make things right again. But, if you have done all you can, and you know in your heart that there is NOTHING more you can do about it now, then you should let go of whatever is troubling you. Well, nice words, but how do you let go of your child?

God has a plan............... 

Mary, Mary.....butterfly. That's what I like to think. That Mary is a butterfly, wrapped up in a cocoon, just waiting for God to release her to fly, to soar, to be free at last. To come out of that deformed body, that has no mind, and be the most beautiful butterfly in God's kingdom. 

Just when the caterpillar thought it's world had come to an end......God made it a butterfly.

A child is like a butterfly in the wind.

Some can fly higher than others, but each one flies the best it can. Why compare one against the other?
Each one is different.
Each one is special.
Each one is beautiful.

                    I feel honored to be able to be part of this family's life, and to be able to write this story........Bunny

 Thank you God                                                                            

                                         The Crippled Lamb

Once upon a time in a sunny valley, there lived a little lamb Joshua. He was white with black spots, black feet, and...sad eyes.
Josh felt sad when he saw the other lambs with snow-white wool and no spots. He felt sad when he saw the other sheep with their mom's and dad's because he didn't have a mom or a dad.
But he felt saddest when he saw the other lambs running and jumping, because he couldn't.
Josh had been born with one leg that didn't work right. He was crippled. He always limped when he walked.  That's why he always watched while the other lambs ran and played.  Josh felt sad and alone--except when Abigail was around.
Abigail was Josh's best friend.  She didn't look like a friend for a lamb. She was an old cow.  she was brown with white blotches that looked like rain puddles on a path.  Her belly was as round as a barrel, and her voice was always kind and friendly.  Some of Josh's favorite hours were spent with Abigail.
They loved to pretend they were on adventures in distant lands. Josh liked to listen to Abigail tell stories about the stars.  They would spend hours on the hill, looking into the valley.  They were good friends. But even with a friend like Abigail, Josh still got sad.  It made him sad to be the only lamb who could not run and jump and play in the grass.  That's when Abigail would turn to him and say, " Don't be sad, little Joshua. God has a special place for those who feel left out.
Josh wanted to believe her. But it was hard. Some days he just felt alone. He really felt alone the day the shepherds decided to take the lambs to the next valley where there was more grass.  The sheep had been in this valley so long, the ground was nearly bare.
All the sheep were excited when the shepherd told them they were going to a new meadow!!

As they prepared to leave, Josh hobbled over and took his place on the edge of the group.
But the others started laughing at him.
"You're too slow to go all the way to the next valley."
"Go back, slowpoke.  We'll never get there if we have to wait on you!"
"Go back, Joshua."
That's when Josh looked up and saw the shepherd standing in front of him. "They are right, my little Joshua. You better go back. This trip is too long for you. Go and spend the night in the stable."
Josh looked at the man for a long time. Then he turned slowly and began limping away.
When Josh got to the top of the hill, he looked down and saw all the other sheep headed toward the green grass.  Never before had he felt so left out.  A big tear slipped out of his eye, rolled down his nose, and fell on a rock.  Just then he heard Abigail behind him. And Abigail said what she always said when Josh felt sad. " Don't be sad, little Joshua.  God has a special place for those who feel left out."
Slowly the two friends turned and walked to the stable together.
By the time they got to the little barn, the sun was setting like a big orange ball. Josh and Abigail went inside and began to eat some hay out of the feed box.  They were very hungry, and the hay tasted good.
For a little while, Joshua forgot that he had been left behind.
"Go to sleep, little friend," Abigail said after they finished eating. "You've had a hard day."  Josh was tired.. So he lay down in the corner on some straw and closed his eyes.  He felt Abigail lie down beside him, and he was glad to have Abigail as a friend.
Soon Josh was asleep. At first, he slept soundly, curled up against Abigail's back.  In his sleep he dreamed. He dreamed of running and jumping just like the other sheep. He dreamed of long walks with Abigail through the valley.  He dreamed of being in a place where he never felt left out. 
Suddenly strange noises woke him up.
"Abigail," he whispered, "wake up. I'm scared."
Abigail lifted her big head and looked around. The stable was dark except for a small lamp hanging on the wall. "Somebody is in here." Josh whispered.  They looked across the dimly lighted stable.
There, lying on some fresh hay in the feed box was a baby. A young woman was resting on a big pile of hay beside the feed box.
Joshua looked at Abigail, thinking his friend could tell him what was going on. But Abigail was just as surprised as Josh.

Josh looked again at the woman and the child, then limped across the stable. He stopped next to the mother and looked into the baby's face.  The baby was crying. He was cold.  The woman picked up the baby and put him on the hay next to her.  Josh looked around the stable for something to keep the baby warm. Usually there were blankets. But not tonight.  The shepherds had taken them on their trip across the valley. Then Josh remembered his own soft, warm wool.  Timidly, he walked over and curled up close to the baby.  "Thank you, little lamb," the baby's mother said softly.  Soon the little child stopped crying and went back to sleep.  About that time, a man entered the stable carrying some rags.  "I'm sorry, Mary" he explained. "This is all the cover I could find."  "It's okay," she answered.  "This little lamb has kept the new king warm."  A king?  Joshua looked at the baby and wondered who he might be.  "His name is Jesus." Mary spoke as if she knew Josh's question. "God's Son. He came from heaven to teach us about God."  Just then there was another noise at the door.  It was the shepherds--the ones who had left Joshua behind.  Their eyes were big and they were excited.
"We saw a bright light and heard the angels..." they began.  Then they saw Joshua next to the baby.  "Joshua! Do you know who this baby is?"  "He does now." It was the young mother who was speaking.  She looked at Joshua and smiled.  "God has heard your prayers little lamb.  This little baby is the answer."  Joshua looked down at the baby.  Somehow he knew this was a special child, and this was a special moment.  He also understood why he had been born with a crippled leg.  Had he been like the other sheep, he would have been in the valley.  But since he was different, he was in the stable, among the first to welcome Jesus into the world.
He turned and walked back to Abigail and took his place beside his best friend.  "You were right," he told her. "God does have a special place for me." 
By Max Lucado

Song Playing is: Somewhere by, Barbara Streisand

Thanks to Liz, Donnie, and Tazha for backgrounds, clipart, and music.

Web page by Bunny 6-30-01

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