One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever imagined. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending around are just fantastic!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fellow had just taken delivery of his new BMW and on the way home decided to take a little detour on a lonely rural California road to see how his new sports sedan performed. He was going about 75 mph when he noticed the red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. He said to himself, "let's just see what this baby's got" and started to accelerate even faster. 80, 90 and then as he approached 95 he said, "this is stupid, I'll probably go to jail for life", and pulled the car over to the side of the road. Sitting behind the wheel with a contrite expression on his face he awaited the officer's admonition. "Well sir," began the officer, "that was most likely one of the dumbest stunts I have ever seen! I have already had a very bad day. I chased and arrested three bank robbers, worked two accidents on the interstate, had a young baby throw up on my uniform, chased a car across a farmer's field, and now this! " "It is late Friday night and the last thing I need is more paperwork so I'll tell you what I am going to do. If you can come up with even a somewhat reasonable excuse to let you go, I'll consider it. OK?" The driver sat sullen for just a minute or two and then said, "Well you see, about a month ago my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought it might have been him trying to return her!" With a wry smile, the officer handed back the drivers license, tipped his cap and said, "you have a nice weekend, Sir." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny (it's always "little Johnny," isn't it?) seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill. "Johnny, what's wrong?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side -- I think I'm going to have a wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A grade school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader Strike while the bug is close It's always darkest before daylight savings time Never underestimate the power of termites You can lead a horse to water but how? Don't bite the hand that looks dirty No news is impossible A miss is as good as a Mr. You can't teach an old dog new math If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning Love all, trust me The pen is mightier than the pigs An idle mind is the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's pollution Happy the bride who gets all the presents A penny saved is not much Two's company, three's the Musketeers There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed get new batteries When the blind leadeth the blind get out of the way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Jesus Name! An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious services when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the middle of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop, in the name of Jesus! - Acts 2:38!" (A Scripture verse saying "turn from your sin") The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an AX and two 38s!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs on Church Marquees 1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1" 2. "Under same management for over 2000 years" 3. "Soul food served here" 4. "Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!" 5. "You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving." 6. "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!" 7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church" 8. "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks" 8. "Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are" 9. "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!" 10. "Come early for a good Back-seat" 11. "Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?" 12. "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due!" 13. "A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash" 14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!" 15. "Preach the gospel at all times.. Use words if necessary" 16. "Delay is preferable to error" 17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees" 18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?" 19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow" 20. "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday" 21. "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive" 22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings" 23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams" 24. May is God's apology for February" 25. "To belittle is to be little" 26. "Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you" 27. "God answers knee mail" 28. "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sign Outside a Church in New York: Today's Sermon will Be: "What is Hell Really Like?" And then, in smaller type right below that the sign said, "Come and Hear our New Organist" (Must have been my old Church!) (webmaster-OOOPS that isn't funny, I was the organist!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual Typos taken from Church Bulletins "The alter flowers this morning are to commemorate the birth of Mark Allen Johnson, the 'sin' of Mr. and Mrs. Arnold K. Johnson." "There will be time for prayer and 'medication' near the close of the worship service." "A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow." "During the Pastor's vacation absence this summer, the deacons will attend to the Pastor's 'cuties.'" "The first Communion service of the New Year will be held next Sunday. Why not start the New Year 'tight?'" "Remember, this Thursday is Ash Wednesday." "The ushers will 'eat' all latecomers during the second hymn." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PREACHER'S SON A preacher's son had a bad habit of lying. No matter what the father did, the boy lied anyway. One night at supper the boy yelled out, "There is a lion in our yard!" All that was in the yard was the family dog, and that did it. The father sent the boy to his room and told him not to come down until he talked to the Lord about lying. The little boy was up in his room for hours. Finally, the preacher went up to talk to him. "Well young man did you talk to the Lord about the dog?" "Yes sir, I did." said the little boy. "Well, what did He say?" The little boy thought for a while and finally said, "He thought it was a lion the first time he saw it, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover that it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daddy I'm Under Five A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sixteen Wives A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that ?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: "4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I Grow Up~~ After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny again? The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sit Still A Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grandpa and God A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Real Advertisements Maybe they meant to say something else . . . Illiterate? Write today for free help. ~~~~ Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. ~~~~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. ~~~~~ Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. ~~~~~~~~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. ~~~~ Stock up and save! Limit: one ~~~~ Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. ~~~~ 3-year old Teacher needed for preschool Experience preferred. ~~~~ Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. ~~~~ Dinner special Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME! My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.... Then you'll see what it's like!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Blonde Overboard A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were in a boat. All of a sudden, the blonde pulls a plug from the bottom of the boat. "What did you do that for" the other girls screamed, "We told you that was the only way for us to live at sea." The blonde says "No problem! I can fix it." So she pulls an oil lamp from her coat and rubs it. Out comes a genie and says that he will grant each one wish. The red head, who is shocked about the blondes smart move, wishes she was with her husband in Hawaii. She is in Hawaii with her husband. The brunette wishes to be with her family in Minnesota. She is in Minnesota with her family. Finally, it's the blondes turn. She says, "Mister Genie? I wish....." ".....that my friends were back here with me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.! 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your health plan is beginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do It Yourself! When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "PERSONAL ADS FOR OLDER FOLKS" "Personal Ads" for "older folks" have become rather long. These ads are already in vogue in Florida and Arizona so I am told...enjoy! ~~ FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'-4"(used to be 5-6), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes, and belt, a plus. ~~ LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth, husband looking for Someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. ~~ SERENITY NOW: I am into Solitude, long walks, Sunrises, the Ocean, Yoga and Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times. ~~ WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier, to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy. ~~ MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. ~~ MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Al & Pat's Calling Cards Golfing with Dad Home Pat and Al's Recycled Humor Page Page 2 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Page 3 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Page 4 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Midi Music Page Inspirational Short stories,Thoughts & Poems Receipe's Get a Peek! Link Page Toolshed Anniversary Acknowledgement Page 1 of 50th Anniversary Party Page 2 of Anniversary Party Page 3 of Anniversary pictures Page 4 of 50th page 5 of the 50th page 6 of the 50th page 7 of the 50th DISCLAIMER If you see graphics or a joke that you have the copyright on and want it acknowledged or removed, please email me atWebmastress. To be perfectly honest, I don't know where most of this originated. Some I have received in multi-forwards, some were taken from adopt a site and some were in my files and I have no clue where any of it really came from. What I do remember, I have acknowledged. Please don't email the folks with this, they were not responsible for the pages. Please kindly let me know and I will make it right. Thank you!