Where Is God?? Two little brothers were always in trouble in the town they lived in. The parents decided the only thing to do was to have the new Priest in town talk to them. The Priest agreed but he said, only one at a time. So Billy went first. The Priest walked into the room where Billy was sitting and asked, "Where is God"? Billy just sat there starring at the floor so the Priest asked again, in a louder voice, "Where is God"? Billy started to squirm in his chair when in a booming voice, the Priest asked ,"Where is God"? At this point, Billy jumped up, ran out of the room, down the street into his house , up the stairs, into his room and stood leaning against the door making sure he hadn't been followed. His brother Bobby asked him. "What happened"? And Billy said, "You are not going to believe this, but God is missing and their trying to blame us"!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Afraid of the Dark A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Quotable Wit I am in shape. Round is a shape. _____________________ Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. _______________________ Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. _______________________ Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. ______________________ Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. _______________________ Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. _______________________ An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. ______________________ There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. _____________________ In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. _____________________ Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. ______________________ I am a nutritional overachiever. _____________________ I am having an out of money experience. _____________________ I plan on living forever. So far, so good. _____________________ Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. ______________________ A day without sunshine is like night. ______________________ If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. ______________________ It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ______________________ The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. _____________________ Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. _____________________ Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. ______________________ Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show. ______________________ You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Baptist Dog This Baptist couple felt it important to own a equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At the kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the BIBLE, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well", they said, "Let's try it out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. They had been deceived! He was Pentecostal !! 10 Reason Not to Wash In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the Sunday bulletin: I was forced to as a child. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. None of my friends wash. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. I can't spare the time. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. People who make soap are only after your money. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LONG IN THE MOUTH A preacher was giving a report to the church board. He got a bit carried away, as preachers often do, and talked for well over two hours. Finally, by the combination of near suicidal and murderous looks on the boards eyes, he realizes what he was doing and said; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." To which one of the board members said, "Gee preacher, why didn't you say something? There's a calendar behind you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO PASS ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. Sadly, all men are created equal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deut 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Jud 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Gen 29:15-30) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Gen 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Cor 7:32-35) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Al & Pat's Calling Cards Golfing with Dad Home Pat and Al's Recycled Humor Page Page 2 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Page 3 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Page 4 Al & Pat's Recycled Humor Midi Music Page Inspirational Short stories,Thoughts & Poems Receipe's Get a Peek! Link Page Toolshed Anniversary Acknowledgement Page 1 of 50th Anniversary Party Page 2 of Anniversary Party Page 3 of Anniversary pictures Page 4 of 50th page 5 of the 50th page 6 of the 50th page 7 of the 50th If you see graphics or a joke that you have the copyright on and want it acknowledged or removed, please email me at">Webmastress. To be perfectly honest, I don't know where most of this originated. Some I have received in multi-forwards, some were taken from adopt a site and some were in my files and I have no clue where any of it really came from. What I do remember, I have acknowledged. Please don't email the folks with this, they were not responsible for the pages. Please kindly let me know and I will make it right. Thank you!