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Welcome to Al and Pat's Fun Used Humor! Page 3

Kick back and enjoy a rerun!



Announcements


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.


The low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.


The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?"Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members, and the deterioration of some older ones.



Teachers, can you relate?

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him
pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second
boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered
when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to
keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -
- this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?"
like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made
me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

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Choose the Right One


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

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Deep Thoughts for Children

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15

were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

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As a new commercial pilot, I found that most of my time and energy was put into learning how to fly a jet. I could see that my fiancée's patience was wearing thin because I had little time to spend with her. It became even worse when our spring wedding clashed with a new series of required training flights that would take me abroad for more than a month. At my suggestion we decided to marry sooner.


The day was perfect, with no talk of flying. My heart melted as I watched her walk up the aisle to stand next to me. But as we recited our vows, I looked into her eyes and said, "With this wing, I thee wed."


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