Before this I was a Christian (Roman Catholic upbringing), therefore I had accepted Christ by faith (just not as MY PERSONAL saviour) and believed that God is the Master of all creation.  My Creator--He created every part of me; He put me together in my mother's womb.  When I was carefully put together in my mother's womb,  growing in secret,  He knew I was there.  He saw me before I was born! Well for a long time I asked myself and Him, WHY???  Why if all He created is suppose to be "Good" and "Perfect". He makes no mistakes ( I've been told), and He knew me before I was born, then how is it that I managed to slip through. Why then 
if He saw what was developing in my mother's womb did He not "fix it!"? Why would He allow me to be set apart by my deformities, suffer pain and illness from the time I entered into this world?  I became bitter and angry with "this God who's ways are so called loving and faithful"....Psalm 25:10. I just couldn't understand why...?  If the Lord longs to be gracious to me, why hadn't He risen to show me compassion? Surely, this was not just! ....(my reflection to Isaiah 30:18). 
Then I would be ashamed!  Grieved!  For I feared God, and longed to be close to Him but my feelings kept me from Him. I had many mixed feelings--I was told I was not to question God's plan. I am to accept and actually LOVE myself for who I am,  because He loves me He made me "special!"   I experienced frustration, anger, shame, low self
concept, low self worth, bitterness.  Utterly BROKEN! I started to wonder what I had done to "cause God to punish me so?"   How could He love me?  Of course, by now I convinced myself that I would never be healed.  Yes I believe in miracles but just not for me. For after all He would have (certainly could have) performed that miracle before I was born! How could I even think of asking for favor when I harbored such feelings? All out of my weakness.

You may be asking...What changed? Besides being born again, and discovering Christ as My PERSONAL saviour? How was I able to work through these powerful feelings and emotions? Well the factor that was missing before was His presence.  I didn't read and meditate on His Word. I prayed only for other's. I was not aware that the Holy spirit dwelled IN me. And He longed to comfort me, but first I had to seek Him.  When I began to do so, That is when I realized that my feelings and emotions were a result of my own weaknesses, and feelings of helplessness.   See I reacted in the only way I knew how to then, the worldly way!   I had to submit, and commit to the Godly ways! And in doing so, I discovered that through my weakness I am made strong in Christ!   This strength comes from walking with Him daily.   Staying in His presence.   He truly is my shelter and refuge! I am
now confident that "I am who I am for a good and planned purpose".   This is the way He directed,  and I am to walk in it.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; (Now, the following is very important! *In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths....Proverbs 3:5&6.   These next verses were of great insight and revelation for me.---We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 
New hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us....Romans 5: 3-5. 
Look here---but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, LONG SUFFERING, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness....Galatians 5:22 NIV 

He said "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 
2 corinthians12:9. 

Therefore I (Tammy Lynn) am grateful. Yes, grateful!  First I learned to accept, and because He does a continuous work in us, praise the Lord!  now I am truly grateful for who I am (My Master's creation!) despite the fact that my design is flawed.  For now I know, if it hadn't been for His careful engineering, I would not have the opportunity to witness (to see or perceive) and testify to His strength, His power, His good works, His love, His grace.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong.... 2corinthians 12:10.

 
The Lord is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust ....Psalm 91:2 

Praise the Lord, O my soul; He who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion....Psalm 103:4 

And....Didn't He say, "everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for MY glory (His, not ours!),  whom I formed and made." (He knew EXACTLY what He was creating!  "It WASN'T a MISTAKE!"). "The people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." 
Amen! Amen!

So you see, when I am told of how strong I am,  I should reply by sharing just how I developed that strength. When I hear someone say to me "you are so strong!"  My first immediate thought is, "really I am not!" Well  "not always that is".  (I am human and I falter. Fall back on the human/worldly ways that had been programmed for many years). I am aware that my weakness lies beneath, stifled. 
For the times I exhibit this weakness and begin to feel as though I am loosing my battle.  Dwell in self pity.  Ready to give up.  Feel disconnected from my Father, my Protector, my Provider, my Comforter, my Healer, my Friend (my EVERYTHING!)  I have come to realize that it was at those times that I distanced myself from my Heavenly Father. Distracted in prayer or simply just didn't "remember" to do it, put off reading His word, no time spent in meditating (preparation to receive),  and so on). So you see, it is no coincidence that when you become disconnected from Him, you become weak and vulnerable to the enemy. And if anyone enjoys a pity party, it is satan himself. 

That is why it is so important to walk with Him DAILY. 
Proverbs 4:20-22 says it like it is....My son (children), give attention to my words;  Incline your ear to My sayings. Do not let them depart from your eyes; Keep them in the midst of your heart; For they are life to those who find them,   And health to all their flesh. 

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Seek the Lord and His strength.  Standing without Him, I see no glory, but standing with Him oh what  splendor! 

As we walk in light,  darkness cannot overcome us! 

One mistake that many Christian's make ( me included of course!) is believing that time spent in Godly activities such as involvement with Christian clubs (a place to fellowship and share and grow in faith), Church, volunteering, etc. Ministering to others and having others minister to you, is an adequate supplement for genuine time spent with God. 

All these things are certainly "good" but they are certainly no substitute for the crucial time required (as much as needed) of us to study, walk, and live out His word.  And always putting Him first,  then our husband (or family),  children, and then whatever else is left of us can be spread over church activities,  Christian clubs/cell groups, friends and so on. It is only then, that there can be balance. 

If we don't put Him first we will fail, and fall short in all aspects and areas of our lives. Setting ourselves up for defeat and destruction.  When there is balance there is harmony! 

Once we begin to walk with Jesus, there is no turning back. At times we may feel as if we are lagging behind, but He will watch and wait for us.  At times we may feel we aren't walking fast enough, but then we sense His presence beside us and know that we are keeping the pace He has set. To walk with Jesus is to walk confidently!  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and forever. We can always count on Him. We can walk with purpose and a clear sense of direction, knowing He will catch us if we slip and will not allow too much distance to come between us and Him. And do you know the most miraculous part of walking with Jesus?  As we walk with Him, we become more and more like Him. Following in His footsteps directs us in the way He would go.  Listening to His voice directs us to say what He would say and to do what He would do. He promises we will become more and more like Him each day that we live if we walk with Him. 

My intent here was to share with you that my strength comes from the Lord and more importantly, it is not unique to me. Anyone who seeks the Lord with their whole heart is strengthened by Him. Amen! Amen! 

In His love and mine too, Tammy Lynn.
God Bless!