I know that all the things I have experienced, in what appears to be the most horrifying event that can happen, in a mother's life, is not the normal clinical, grief process. To the best of my ability, and with prayer, I am attempting to write what I have perceived to take place. Maybe I am writing this so I will not forget, or maybe so someone can read it, and find hope, or maybe so some will understand my actions better, I'm not really sure. I do know this has been a journey through grace - something I prayed for God to show me the real meaning of, about 7 or 8 years ago, and the trip for the past 7 years has been a total upheaval of my once quiet, and somewhat, contented lifestyle.

I

On April 5, while watching Matt's team play baseball at the Southside Baseball Complex, Donald, and I, sat in our lawn chairs talking, and laughing. I saw the state flight helicopter, overhead, leaving Lake City, and stated, "I hate to see those things", not realizing it was carrying my oldest son's body.

Minutes later, a trooper came walking into the park. We thought nothing about it since his son played on our team. He came up to us and asked for Donald to come talk to him. A few seconds later, something made me jump out of my chair and rush to hear what he was saying. Donald spoke loud, and firm, to me, Get Matt, Andy's been in an accident! That was all we were told. I ran to the dugout, and called for Matt, and started running to catch up with Donald, and the trooper, who were running ahead. Suddenly, in my spirit, I heard the words, "He's dead". Energy drained from my body, my legs went limp. I could see the ground, and knew I was about to hit it face first. I didn't even have the energy to put my hands in front of me, to try and break the fall. Then, I felt someone take my hand, it was the wife of a trooper I had worked with, at the Florida Highway Patrol years ago, their son was playing on the opposing team. She started pulling me, and yelled, "Dawn, come on"! I whispered, "He's dead". I didn't have enough strength to actually vocalize words. She said, "You've got to go with your family"! She kept pulling me as one foot would stumble in front of the other. But I was too weak to walk, breathing was even an effort. Once again I heard The Voice, nothing profound, or very spiritual. He said, "It's O.K.". Immediately energy poured back into my body. I was alive again. I had to tell Donald! I knew if God was telling me it was O.K., then everything was right, mostly I knew we were not alone! I started running. When I caught up with Donald, Matt, and the trooper, in the parking lot, I turned to thank the woman who helped me get there, by taking my hand. Then I told Donald, Andy's dead, but it's O.K.! I was almost excited! How strange! Donald, Matt, and the trooper, all turned to look at me. Donald shouted, Andy's fine, he's at the house! I knew Andy wasn't at home. I knew the truth, but at that moment I realized it had been given to me, by the Holy Spirit, and it could not be truth, or comfort, unless revealed to others by Himself. I rode in the back seat, of the car, in silence, while Donald drove, following the trooper to our home; both driving furiously. We ran out of gas as we pulled into our own driveway. Another trooper was there, and so was Donald's dad; he was crying. As we jumped out of the car he said, Andy's dead. The trooper who came to get us, and also happened to be the son of the Lieutenant I had been a secretary too, years ago, for the FHP gave us some details of the accident, and read the suicide note. With each detail, I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach. When the note was read, it was a blur, but I heard enough to know it was just like Andy; condemning himself, and feeling worthless. I had worked, to battle Andy's low self-esteem, since preschool He had been a precious, compassionate, obedient child, who was a joy to raise. Many people had made the comment that they would like their child, grandchild, or students, to be just like him. But he never saw this, mostly he only saw what he perceived to be negative in his own life. I had felt Andy could have been suicidal in grade school, and had begged God to show him he was liked, and cared about, in some way. That year, fourth grade, he was voted vice president of his school. It helped him so much, but it was a short lived victory, and the next year he was back in the battle. I had talked with counselors, friends, and other parents. No one could see the problem because he was so good, and so smart, that he kept it well hidden, even at a very young age. He knew what behavior was expected, and portrayed it well. I didn't think of it so much, as a medical problem, as I kept thinking I needed to keep building him up, praying for him, encouraging him, and involving him in various sports activities and especially church.

A few weeks before the accident, I remember telling God, I know what it means to pray without ceasing. About 3 weeks before the accident, I received a phone call from a friend that has been a real blessing through the years. In fact, there are 3 of us that God has worked through, and shown us His love, and grace. We know we have been put together for His purpose, and we share a special bond. Denise, one of the 3, called to tell me that Patti had tried to call but didn't get me. Patti had been praying when God gave her an urgency to pray for me. This is not the first time this has happened, and always God has worked miraculously through it. The Lord conveyed to her that she was to give me the following message:

He loves me.

He has heard my prayers

His arms are around my family.

His hand is unchanging.

Denise asked, What have you been praying for? I answered, My kids. It's always my kids. All three of us tried to decipher the message. That part about the unchanging hand had us a little confused. I told the others that all I knew was that something was going to happen, but I didn't know what. I kind of laughed when I said, God doesn't drop by just to say Hello??! But I felt no fear.

When the trooper finished talking with us, I felt nauseous, and in a shock-like state, where I seemed to just stare at things, and had nothing to say. But in my mind wheels were turning - I ?knew? in my heart Andy was in heaven, his mental pain, and anguish, were over. The battle was ended.

The trooper, who had come to the field, walked us to the front door. Tears were in his eyes as he offered his help, in any way. There was such compassion on his face. I hugged him, and thanked him, for all he had done and told him, ?I know this has been hard for you?. He had lost his 12 year old brother, in a car accident, years ago. I later learned he, and his wife, had driven past our house until 2 a.m., to make sure we were not alone, and everything was all right. What compassion!

Neighbors came, out of their houses, to comfort us. Someone asked, ?Who do we need to call?? It was hard to concentrate. Mom, and Daddy, needed to be told. I questioned myself, ?who could tell them?? Then I thought of Shirley, a good friend for 20 years, lived near my parents. She had helped direct my wedding, had given my baby shower, helped me when we worked together at the Department 0f Transportation, and had been so much more than just a friend. God had definitely brought her into my life. We often knew what the other was thinking: without words being said. Now, I was asking her to do one of the most difficult things ever - tell my parents their, first, grandchild was dead. I gave my neighbor the phone number, knowing Shirley would take care of this difficult task. Then I was asked, ?What about our pastor?? Yes! I wanted Elmer, and Nancy, called right away! The people, at my church, understood the sovereignty, of God, and would know that He was still in control of, even, this situation! I wanted them with us.

People began pouring into our small home. Soon there was standing room only, and even that was scarce. Cars were parked all over the yard, and down the street. Mostly, all I could say was, ?It?s O.K?. There was so much meaning in those words, that had put energy back into my body earlier. I knew, in my heart, that was the comfort God had given me, though no one else seemed to understand what I was fully saying. One man told Donald, ?it surely must have been God?s will?. His wife quickly reprimanded him. I told her, ?That is exactly right! This is God?s will?! Somehow it excited me for someone else to see it, even though I didn?t understand it all myself.

All the love, and care, shown to us, by all those people, was so much comfort. I would never have thought so many people would have cared about us. At one point I was sitting, in a chair in our den, with Matt. As I looked out into the room, I saw that women were seated on the floor all around me: from wall to wall.. I felt so much love, from these precious ladies, as one, by one, they would come to hug me, and give words of comfort, and encouragement.

Sometime after 2 a.m., everyone was gone except for my sister, Tricia, and Shirley. They encouraged me to get cleaned up, and that a shower would help refresh me. I told them I really did not want to be alone. I guess I was afraid I would not be able to handle this, without people constantly hugging me, and speaking words of comfort, every minute. We laughed as they promised to sit outside the bathroom door, and yell to me in the shower! I realized how foolish it was not to want to be alone, and went to my bedroom to get ready.

As I allowed myself to think over the day, and being there alone with God, I cried out to Him, in my spirit, ?God, you said you heard my prayers?! His spirit spoke quietly to me, ?You prayed for Andy to have peace and joy? . And now he does, I thought to myself. My anguish subsided, once again I was filled with peace. This, of course, was not the way I had wanted it, but it was the best way: it was God?s way. Andy was such a perfectionist, now he had perfect peace, perfect joy, perfect love. No one could hurt him again. He was in the arms of Jesus! Andy, being of such a higher intelligence than many, had trouble finding answers to all his questions, now he knew all the answers. Now he was perfect!

As I was alone, the Lord poured His words into my spirit: ?This is the way it is suppose to be. Andy came here to live only for this time period. You, Donald, and Matt, will go on for a little while: together but not for long. Then you will be reunited. My hand is unchanging?. There were the words He had spoken to Patti, during her prayer time! Now I understood! This would come to pass no matter what I did, or did not do. God was in control, not me! I thought back four months, on December 1st, when I had an uneasiness at work. I felt I had to call the high school, and make sure Andy was there. I got busy, with my own students at the 9th grade, and did not call. An hour later there was the uneasiness again. I called the school, Andy was not there! I panicked! Everyone knew Andy was a good student, and would not skip school. I raced home. Donald ?happened? to be there, in the studio. I told him Andy was missing. We looked for him for 2 hours. A lengthy note had been left, on his desk, but I could not understand the meaning: he wrote with such depth. I had carried the note, with us, as we looked for him: along the roadside, at various places he went, and called people on the car phone. After the 2 hour search, I told God he was in His hands (like I really had to tell Him!) and I felt a peace, as I laid the note back on Andy?s desk. I then heard a noise from Andy?s closet. As I opened the door, I saw Andy laying on the floor. I fell on him, and cried. I told him I loved him, and was so afraid I would never see him again. He then told me he had taken a handful of Tylenol. I called for Donald, to help him to the car, to go to the hospital. I then became angry because I could not understand this action, but God showed me Andy needed love, and acceptance, now.

God had spared Andy's life that day. And He could do it again, if He chose, but He did not choose. Thirty minutes before Andy?s death, he called me, on the car phone to tell me he was in from Gainesville, and did not want me to worry about him. He was going to a friend?s house, and he loved me. I told him I wasn?t worried, and that I loved him, too. I had such peace, Andy sounded as though he had been having a good time, with his friends. Later, my mother reminded me: I had talked to her, that morning, about Andy going to Gainesville, with his friends, and I had told her that I had put him in God?s hands. That?s the only way I can explain the peace I had, all that day, because I am a natural-born worrier!

God continued pouring out His Spirit, showing me He had given the best to Andy. That all I had tried to do to make him feel good about himself, and make him happy, God was now doing, and doing it perfectly! I no longer had to worry about Andy, he was taken well care of! I had told a pastor?s wife, when Andy was much younger, that I always felt I would lose him one day, and now the words of Job resounded in my mind, ?The thing I feared the most has come upon me?. But here was God, surrounding me with His love, and comforting my spirit. He was giving me the peace that passes all understanding! He was also telling me He would bless our family, but right now that was too much to take in. If I could just get through the nest few days, without losing my mind, that would be an answer to prayer. I didn?t know how long I would be in, what I assumed to be, a shock-like state: even thought I was amazed at my ability to think so clearly.

In the days ahead, God constantly filled me with His love, and grace. He kept teaching me things. About 10 years ago, I had been pulling a thick blanket, or comforter, over me: as I was getting ready to go to sleep. The thought dropped into my mind, ?The Holy Spirit is the Comforter, and like this blanket surrounds you, and shelters you, from the harshness of the outside world?. Now, the Lord was bringing this back to my mind. His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, was sheltering us, protecting us, wrapping Himself around us, and teaching us all things! How beautiful, and simple God portrays His truths! I praised Him for this reminder! In my mind?s eye, I saw the Lord with this vast amount of love sprinkle in down on all the people, that came to our home, sent food, flowers, cards, letters, called, and prayed for us. He had put His love, and care into hundreds of people, as a way of showing it to us! How wonderful our Lord is, overflowing with compassion, and mercy! Another truth revealed! While I was sitting in my living room, a woman took my hand, as she looked down at me. She was so heavy hearted as she recalled Andy?s talents, and intelligence. She stated, ?What a waste?! Immediately, the words lept into my mind, ?Not wasted, perfected?! What joy I felt! I did not attempt to explain, to her, what the Holy Spirit had just revealed to me. Even if she understood the words, the joy I was feeling could not be explained! I just smiled up, at her, and squeezed her hand. (She probably thought I was taking some very good drugs! Which, by the way, I have not had to rely on.) I do not remember her face, or who she was, but God used her, as she felt our sorrow, to make known to me another one of His truths!

For days our home was filled with precious loving people. Food, phone calls, flowers, cards, letters, and hugs, came in abundance. I looked forward to these contacts, and drew strength from them, as I acknowledged each as a blessing from God. I fondly remember a church member, Dwight, smiling at me, and quietly stating as we sat in our living room, filled with people, and conversation, ?The Holy Spirit is here?. I smiled back at him. I knew He was, but it was so good to hear someone say it!

The morning, of the funeral, I prepared myself. I knew this service was a ceremony, only for those left behind. Andy would not be there. He was not in the casket. He was home. He had eternal life, never to die again!

As we drove up to the church, cars were parked everywhere in the streets. The church was filled to overflowing out the doors. We were led in, and seated on the front row. The choir loft was filled, because there was no other place for people to sit. I could see the faces, of people, I knew. How sweet of them to come! They encouraged me by their presence.

?Blessed Assurance? was sung by a dear friend of ours. What a perfect song Donald had chosen - assurance of God?s love and grace! The song, and the singer, brought more peace.

The first pastor spoke of Andy?s baptism, and profession of faith made when he was six years old. This pastor had once told me that Andy had more understanding, of accepting Jesus as his Savior, at 6 than many adults. He had also asked Andy if he could quote John 3:16. Andy had surprised the pastor by quoting John 3:16, and 17. He had loved learning about God, and memorizing scripture, starting at a young age. One of his friends reminded me that Andy had led him to the Lord, when he was in the 7th grade. God had been as much a part, of Andy?s life, as any other essential. Even as a teenager, when he seemed to be questioning God. I would, sometimes, walk in his room to find him kneeling, and praying, beside his bed. How meaningful this sight is to a mother.

The second pastor to speak was Elmer, our pastor at Westside. He spoke as though his heart was breaking, but his words were determined and his faith, in God?s sovereignty, was strong. This man touched my heart, as he was feeling our sorrow, and carrying our burden. God had surely led us to this church: to learn more of His sovereignty, and grace. I had only gone to Westside Baptist Chapel about four years ago: to visit with a friend, who did not want to go alone. As I walked into the sanctuary, early that morning, which was almost empty, I heard these words, in my spirit, ?You?re home?. I argued back, as usual, ?This isn?t where I belong, I go to another church?. But I could not deny the feeling of familiarity, and comfort, even though I had never been there before. The truth, that was preached, kept me coming back, even when no one else went with me. I would go to the early service, at Westside, and after the service pick up my family , and go to my church. Tears would fill my eyes, as the truths that had been revealed to me, in my own private Bible study, were taught at the Chapel; I had not heard them preached before. The Holy Spirit was here, and I was hungry for His teaching. As weeks had passed, and we joined the Chapel, the sovereignty, of God, was made known to me: and even though I tried to fight against God?s complete control, He brought to me His knowledge of the truth. Now I know I needed this truth to have the peace that He has given me. There was a purpose in attending Westside Chapel. Just as there was a purpose when God had urged me, weeks before, to take the children?s class from Elmer: so he could work with the youth. Even though I fought that too. Now I know one of the reasons, was so Elmer could know my son better, an speak at his funeral.

It has all been God?s plan. His ways are not our ways. His hand is unchanging. He is love. All is working out for His purpose, and good pleasure. He is not punishing us. He is sparing us from evil. He is pouring out His mercy, and grace. His strength has been made perfect in our weakness!

As we walked out of the church, following the casket, I did not feel comfortable looking at the hundreds of people, around us, and in the balcony. But when the procession was held up at the door, I heard my name spoken softly. I turned to see nurses I worked with in the ICU, and one of the doctors who had cared for Andy in December, standing by the door: because there were no seats left. As they reached out their hands to touch my arm, again I felt God?s love flowing through them to me. He is always with us!

As the weeks passed, I kept thinking ?I?m in shock now, and any day I am going to fall apart?! I kept waiting for the big break down to come. I went through all Andy?s writings, clothes, and collections, thinking this would bring me to a breaking point, and I would get it over with. But reality seems to be that God?s Holy Spirit, the Comforter, is giving me the peace that passes all understanding, and teaching me the things He wants me to know. When I have become overwhelmed with feelings of grief, the Lord has brought His truths to my mind, for example, while driving from work, to pick up Matt from school, one day I started crying, and then really sobbing. Within seconds I realized I was singing a song while I was crying! (I know - you?re thinking, ?She has lost it?!) I started listening to my own words, ?When the cross seems heavy, you are called to bear, count your many blessings...? Once more I was filled with peace. I spoke out loud to God, while I was driving (I know people think I?m crazy, I do this often!), ?God, you didn?t allow me to cry for long again, did you?? I have learned why Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Comforter! How can I complain? The Lord has blessed me so much, by showing me that Andy is happy, and joyous! He has given me peace through this storm! He has given me a Christian home that even with our faults, and failures, we can go on from here with hope! He has given us our precious son, Matt, who loves to make us laugh! He has surrounded us with many loving people! He brought us to a place where we could be taught the truth: to prepare our hearts for this day! He has not forsaken us, He has sustained us!

In the first few days, after the accident, God reminded me of how Satan asked God, for permission to afflict Job. Satan had not oppressed my son without God?s permission. The God who loved Andy more than me said, ?Yes, this is the way I will glorify Myself and further my kingdom?. This knowledge gives me comfort, peace, and strength. I have seen relationships healed, the lost turn to God, and Christians draw closer to Him through, Andy?s death. I am not angry at god. He had mercy on Andy. Andy felt things deeper than we can even imagine, and hurt more often than not. Though, I would have gladly given my whole life to loving, comforting, and trying to find new ways to build up Andy, God chose not to allow that to happen.

Donald, Matt, and I, left Lake city a few days after the funeral to visit friends in Lakeland. While we were there a neighbor, who knew us from Donald singing at their church, came to see us. She told me she had bought a book a couple of weeks before, and now she knew why: it was meant to be given to us. As she handed me the book I saw it was by Kay Arthur, and all through it was proclaimed the sovereignty of God! How like Him! Even miles away from home, God was sending His love, and divine message, through His people, ?I am in control?!

I do not know why God has chosen to teach me these things, or to give me such peace in this storm. I deserve to be suffering, as I always knew I would, if anything ever happened to one of my children. I?m sure He had something to do with my prayer, years ago, that asked for a better understanding of His grace. I praise Him daily for bringing me out of the devastation, and hopelessness, I first felt when I ?heard? the words in my spirit, ?He?s dead?. In that state, I know someone would have had to carry me to the car, and I would have been on some kind of drugs, and under a doctor?s care for who-knows-how-long. God could have left me there, but He didn?t. I feel I was healed from a large portion, of my grief, when He told me, ?It?s O.K.?. My spirit came alive, from knowing this is God?s will, this is best for this time. His plan can not be stayed, and we would not want it to be if we knew the whole truth.

I am so grateful for the years I had with Andy, I still feel him close to me. Andy had a great impact on my life with all his knowledge and sensitivity, and I look forward to that day of our reunion! But his life was only meant for these number of years, and no more. He had accomplished all God had for him on this earth. Now his talents are ?not wasted, but perfected? in the presence of God!

When I do question God, or start thinking ?What if...?? I am quickly reminded of God?s grace towards me, and am almost ashamed that I could grieve when God has been so good.

While listening to one of Kay Arthur?s tapes, she stated that when things come in 3?s she pays more attention: feeling it may be from God. I feel that God taught me another one of His truths this way. The very month Andy was killed, the Home Life Magazine carried an article called ?Joy Comes in the Morning?. I began reading, not knowing it was about a teenage suicide. The article talked about how the thief comes to rob, steal, and destroy. I really did not understand what it was referring to then, but it stayed in my mind. A few nights later, I could not sleep. Grief was overwhelming me. Guilt was heavy from things I thought maybe I could have changed in the past. Then the words came to me, ?The thief comes to rob, steal, and destroy?. I realized that?s what was happening to the peace, and joy, God had given me! Realizing where the guilt, and pain, were coming from, I asked God to restore His peace to me, and I was able to sleep. A few days later, I received, in the mail, a pamphlet from my grandmother about grief. I opened it up to the middle, and started reading, and there it talked about Satan coming to rob, steal, and destroy God?s peace! My 3rd encounter with this statement within about a week?s time! I had even felt guilty, at times, for not grieving more. I wondered what was wrong with me. But now I feel this is all right: because God is supplying the peace, and joy. God knows that I?ve always treasured my children, as gifts, from Him. He gave me a heart for my children, above all other things, and I thank Him for this. I also thank Him for the peace He gives me: now that Andy has been called home. I even doubted Andy?s salvation at one point, because of the action he took, but knowing that God has revealed to me that he now has peace, love, and joy, I know there is only one place he can be - in His presence! How can I complain, God has been so good.

This is only a small portion of what God has shown to me. Daily I am seeing His presence made real, in our lives. My closest friends have stated that they have never seen God?s work so evident in anyone?s life. They have told me the way I am handling everything is not me, or my personality, which is melancholy, and somewhat introverted. Only God could give me the peace, and joy, they are seeing displayed. Sometimes I can hardly contain the excitement, when I consider that His unmerited favor has been bestowed on me! I know that whatever is in store, God will be with me. He is making me stronger, and giving me more power than I ever dreamed! Truly, it is O.K.!

II

God?s miraculous grace covered me for approximately four months. Towards the end of August, and early September, I felt it lifting, as I knew it would: partially because of personal testimonies, of others that had also experienced this type of grace. I had known all along I could not stay ?on the mountain top? with God, I would have to walk again in the valley, but the Lord would be with me. There were times I had even tried to hide how much joy I felt, because I knew it seemed inappropriate to others. I know some were probably thinking I was experiencing some sort of denial, or attempt to hide my sorrow. Yes, I missed Andy, and there were tears, because it would be a while before I would see him again, but God had shown me the spiritual side of this ?tragedy?, and it had a whole different meaning than what I had seen in the flesh.

Now, as I felt my own personality returning, (it?s the only way I know how to describe it) I found I teared-up easier, and I felt those human feelings that had been taken away earlier, by walking in the knowledge given to me: by the Holy Spirit. I started becoming a little fearful, and my own inhibitions returned. I sure liked my personality better when it was under the control of the Holy Spirit! I ran to God asking Him not to let me be overwhelmed with grief, or sorrow. I didn?t want to plunge to the depth of despair I had felt, when I first realized Andy was gone. Though I ?came down to earth? peace, and joy, remained. It was not the mountain top high, I had experienced, but I still felt God?s love, and presence. God gently, and slowly, lifted the ?covering? that had kept out all the harsh feelings: while showing me He would still be with me. I had known I could not minister very effectively, to anyone that was hurting, while I was feeling such abundant joy, and tried to avoid physical contact with them: because I felt they could not understand what made me so happy when they were hurting so much. I attempted to minister more to those hurting by writing notes, and cards. I was surprised how many people God sent to me to minister to: in what should have been my time of need!

During one of the days that I was feeling, what I called, the ?grace covering? lifting, I was on my knees, beside my bed, praying when I was urged in my spirit to, Put on the whole armor. I jumped up to go get my Bible, and turned to Ephesians 6. I did not know what was coming, but I knew I had to memorize each piece of the armor, and ask God to show me how to put it on, and how to use it. Soon after, our ladies Sunday School class decided to do a study on spiritual warfare. God is so good! He already had a plan for teaching me how to put on the armor! I poured over the study book, and finished it months before the class. I knew I needed it now! I had known, even when I was walking in God?s grace, that Satan would not let this miraculous experience go unchallenged. He would have his time of retaliation. Still I had peace.

Daily, I prayed for god to help me with every part of the armor, and to help me stand firm. I also prayed Ephesians 3:14-20, for my family, inserting each of our names: to be strengthened by the might of the Holy Spirit in the inner man. This scripture was brought out by a precious lady in my Sunday School class, telling how she prayed this scripture for her family. I loved it and immediately wrote the names of my family in my Bible: beside the verses.

The attacks came. Satan hit hard, and continuous. I have never been one to talk much about spiritual warfare. I?ve never known much about it, and still have a lot to learn. But God allowed me to see that the same spirit, that attacked Andy, was attacking our family again. I was not afraid. I ran to God again, and again. He showed me that He is our fortress. I was praying, with all that was within me, for God to release our family from this bondage. It was amazing to me how I felt such love for the ones Satan was using, because I knew the enemy was not the people. The battle was not against the flesh, and blood, it was spiritual. Attacks came from every direction. Yet, it seemed so appropriate, Satan was still fighting to destroy our family: as God had shown me he would. Each battle ended in victory. Each battle brought a deeper knowledge of God?s love. I don?t go around looking at everything bad as being from Satan, but from the beginning of all three events, it has been a spiritual awakening for me. One attack, that seemed very trivial, compared to the others, released me from more guilt.

I came to work one morning, at the ninth grade high school, where I am the nurse. As I opened the door to the clinic, I saw on my sign, on the door beside my name, the words - SON KILLER. I ripped the sign off the door, and sobbing went straight to one of the office staff, who is a precious friend. I laid it on her desk, crying so hard I could not talk. She sighed heavily, as she put her arms around me, ?Dawn?, she said. ?This is from Satan. We are not going to let him win?! I knew that! Why was I crying so hard? Why couldn?t I brush this off? The whole school had been vandalized, what was wrong with me, that I could not give this to God: like all the other attacks? They had been so much worse! The more I tried to stop crying, the worse it got. I had not cried this much over Andy?s accident. I had to go home.

When I walked in my door, I went straight to my couch, where I meet God for my early morning devotions, and fell on my knees. I cried out to Him, ?What is wrong with me? I know who this is coming from, why can?t I release it to you Lord?? I don?t know how long I stayed on my knees praying, and crying, I had no concept of time. Finally I was able to get up. I was physically exhausted. I had no answer, but at least I had stopped crying. I needed to sleep, sort of strange for that time of day, but I felt so drained.

When I woke up there were still several hours, of school, left. I felt determined not to let Satan keep me down. I went back to work. The news had spread through the faculty, and staff, about the cruel words written on my door. Many came to speak words of comfort, and encouragement, to me. They were so kind, but I felt like such a wimp! Where was my ?strong? Christian faith?

I stayed in constant prayer as I worked. As the hours went by, God began revealing to me the reason for my weakness. He spoke to my spirit, You believed the words ?son killer? were true. I had listened to rumors of other people, and guilty thoughts that ran through my mind. Instead of dismissing them, I dwelt on them. God had revealed, to me, that I was not under condemnation, but I held on to the guilt. Satan was able to attack me in this area because of my unbelief! God was right! I had believed people when they said we were to strict on Andy, because I wouldn?t let him do, or go, to certain thing. I believed them when they thought we were too lenient, by letting him be in a rock band. When people said, ?What was wrong with the parents?? I had asked the same question. Yes, we made mistakes, as all parents do. But God had shown me over, and over, this was not our guilt to carry. Instantly, I asked God to help me release the guilt, and give it to Him. Another step in God?s direction had been made. The attack, that should have been the most insignificant, had taught me more about spiritual warfare - it did not take much disobedience, or lack of faith, for Satan to get a stronghold.

III

June 29, 1997, Sunday morning, what would have been Andy?s 18th birthday, I woke early and went to the living room to pray. There alone, I confirmed in my mind that I was now ready to experience the pain I knew I would feel because of what this day meant to me. I sat waiting for sorrow and grief to flood into my heart and mind. When it did not come, I got up and began to get ready for church, knowing the sorrow would come eventually.

Suddenly, I became aware of an ever increasing joy rising up inside of me! I spoke the words quietly in surprise, ?I?m being filled with the Holy Spirit!? I don?t know how I knew since I can not remember anything just like this happening to me before now. As the joy became greater, excitement joined it! This was not of my own making, remember, I was expecting grief, and sorrow!

As I left my bedroom, and started down the hall. I saw Donald sitting, in a chair, in the living room. Donald was to sing, a song, that morning in church. He had been called Saturday night, at the last minute, by our music director, to sing this morning. She did not know today was Andy?s birthday. She, also, did not know the Lord had given Donald an arrangement of ?It is Well with My Soul? to sing. Donald just didn?t know when he was suppose to sing it, but God did. When he spoke to her that Saturday night, on the phone, he told her he was not surprised she called, and already had a song. God?s timing is always perfect. As I walked by his chair, I laid my hand on his shoulder, and said: ? You are going to be a witness to many people today.? I did not realize the full impact of that statement.

By the time I got to Sunday School, my body could hardly contain the overwhelming joy, and excitement, that had filled me! My body was moving involuntarily all over! I wrapped my arms around my waist, and gripped the back of the chair, trying to just stay seated! My sister, not knowing what was happening, leaned over to me and said: ?For someone who does not like to have attention drawn to her, you are really making a scene.? Later, she told me my feet were moving constantly. I didn?t even know it, I was just trying to stay in the chair!

As the Sunday School teacher spoke, the things she was saying were the same thoughts I had been having that week - how the Holy Spirit was bringing us, as a church into likemindedness, how what was being revealed to one was being revealed to others: so that when we came back together we had the same teaching. How exciting to see the Spirit moving among His people, and bringing unity!

I made it through Sunday School, exuberantly, I might add. Church was not any ?better.? Trying to stay in my seat was still a struggle. The pastor said something about the early service congregation being asleep. I leaned over to my friend, next to me, and trying to contain some of my excitement stated: ?It won?t be like that in this service!? She looked at me sort of cautiously, and smiled politely. She probably thought I had lost my mind, since I was ?jumping around?, in my seat, displaying a wild excited expression on my face!

As the service started hymns were sung and announcements made. I could have easily been miserable trying to hold myself still, except that I had so much joy! Joy unspeakable!

I looked back at Donald working the sound mixer for the service, and prayed for him. Matt, who was sitting with his dad, later told me that he had seen Donald?s hands shaking and had prayed for him, also.

When Donald stepped in front of the microphone, to speak, I knew the Lord was with him. Through his slightly noticeable nervousness, and broken voice, he gave his testimony of the past year. The Lord directed his words, even adding a bit of humor (I believe God loves humor!). Donald had struggled with Andy?s death and had even been angry with God at first. He talked about how all was NOT well with his soul, last year, but now it was, praise God! Then he began to sing. Donald sang with such strength, and power, everyone knew it was God revealing His faithfulness through the words, and the man. What a service! Almost every hand was raised, in praise, to God all over that Baptist sanctuary! The Holy Spirit was once again moving, among His people, as we gave praise: to the One who gives us peace!

As tears streamed down my face, I praised God, and thanked Him, for what He had done in Donald?s life. But, I knew that if I allowed one part, of my body, to become unrestrained I would no longer be in my chair: but only God knows where! And that would embarrass my sister, my friend next to me, and Donald, not to mention my teenage son! And the Lord only knows what the people in my church would say! So, I held on physically while my spirit leapt, and shouted, for joy within me (while trying to take my body with it)!

After the service, people came to Donald, and I to tell us how they were touched by his singing, and that he was anointed by the Holy Spirit. Oh, we knew it! We were grateful for His presence!

For the rest of the day, our family was on the mountain top: thanking God for all He had done. On what should have been a day of painful memories, the Lord made a day of true joy, and praise! I wondered why God had filled me with His Spirit. I was not ministering to anyone: in fact, it was almost unbearable to contain such joy. All I know is that God chose that way to erase any sorrow, or grief, to help me be an encouragement to Donald, and to cause me to offer

By: Dawn Lynn Johns
In Spiritual Increase