In her own words:
It is for the love of Thee, O my God, and through obedience, that I submit to write this account, asking Thy pardon for the resistance I have made. Thou alone knowest how great my repugnance thereto is; Thou alone therefore canst give me strength to overcome it, for this obedience was given me by Thee, in order to punish the exceeding pleasure which I have ever felt and the precaution I had taken to bury myself in entire oblivion on the part of creatures. It was after having obtained a promise from persons who I thought would be able to help me in this, and after I had committed to the flames what remained to me of the former account I had written through obedience, that this present order was given me. Grant, O my Sovereign Good, that I may write nothing but what may be for Thy greater glory and my own confusion.
O my only Love! how much I am indebted to Thee! From my tenderest years Thou didst prevent me with Thy grace and didst constitute Thyself the Master and possessor of my heart, although Thou knewest full well the resistance it would make Thee. As soon as I was able to know myself, Thou didst manifest to my soul the hideousness of sin, the sight of which imprinted in my heart so intense a horror thereof, that the least stain was an insupportable torment to me. In order to check my childish vivacity, it sufficed to say that God would be offended; this would make me stop at once and turn away from what I wanted to do.
Without knowing their meaning, I felt continually urged to pronounce the following words: "O my God, I consecrate to Thee my purity, and I make Thee a vow of perpetual chastity." This I did once between the two elevations at Mass which I was wont to hear on my bare knees, even in the coldest weather. I did not then understand what I had done, nor what was meant by the words "vow" and "chastity," but my sole desire was to hide myself in some wood, and the only thing that prevented me from doing so was the fear of meeting with men.
The Blessed Virgin has always taken great care of me. I had recourse to her in all my necessities, and she has preserved me from great dangers. I did not dare address myself to her divine Son, but only to her, and I often presented her with the little crown of the rosary, which I said on my bare knees, or genuflecting and kissing the ground at every Ave Maria. I lost my father when I was very young, and my mother having taken upon herself the guardianship of her five children, was seldom at home; being the only daughter, I was left until the age of eight and a half without any other education than that which I received from the servants and from the people of the village.
I was then sent to a Convent, where I made my First Communion when about nine years of age. This Communion shed such bitterness over all my little pleasures and amusements that I was no longer able to enjoy any of them, although I sought them eagerly, Whenever I wanted to join in the games of my companions, I always felt something which called me and drew me aside into some little corner, leaving me no peace until I had followed it. Our Lord then made me give myself to prayer, and I did almost always either prostrate or on my bare knees or making genuflections, provided nobody saw me, for it was strange torment to me when I was noticed.
I also felt a great desire to do everything that I saw the nuns do, for I looked upon them all as saints thought that, if I were a religious, I, too, should become one like them. This filled me with so great a longing that I thought of nothing else, although, for my part, I did not consider the nuns sufficiently secluded; but, not knowing any others, I imagined I ought to remain with them.
I fell, however, into so pitiable a state of ill-health that for about four years I was unable to walk, my bones piercing my skin. Consequently I was removed from the Convent at the end of two years; but, as no remedy could be found be found for my illness, I was consecrated to the Blessed Virgin, with the promise that, if she cured me, I should one day be one of her daughters. Scarcely had I made this vow, than I was cured and taken anew under the protection of Our Lady. She made herself so completely Mistress of my heart, that, looking upon me as her own, she governed me as wholly dedicated to her, reproving me for my faults and teaching me how to do the Will of God. It happened once that, being seated while reciting the rosary, she appeared to me and gave me the following reprimand which, although very young at the time, I have never forgotten:
"I am surprised, my daughter," she said, "that you serve me so negligently!"
These words left such an impression on my soul, that they have served me for my whole life.
On recovering my health, I thought only of seeking pleasure in the enjoyment of my liberty, without concerning myself much about the fulfillment of my promise. But, O my God, I little thought then, what later on Thou didst give to me to understand and experience, namely, that, the Sacred Heart having brought me forth on Calvary with so much sorrow, the life which Thou didst then give me could be fed and maintained only by the Cross, and, therefore this would be my most delightful food. Thus, as soon as I had recovered, I gave myself up to vanity and the affection of creatures, flattering myself that the tenderness which my mother and brothers had for me to amuse and enjoy myself as much as I liked. But Thou, O my God, didst make me see that I was out in my reckoning, which had been made according to my inclinations naturally drawn to pleasure, and not according to Thy designs which were very different from mine.
My mother having despoiled herself of all authority in her house, those into whose hands she had given it, exercised it in such a manner that both she and I were reduced to a state of captivity; but I do not wish to blame those persons by what I am about to say, nor do I think that they did wrong in causing me to suffer. My God did not permit me to have this thought, but wished that I should regard them as instruments employed by Him for the accomplishment of His Holy Will. We therefore had no longer any power in the house and dared not do anything without permission. It was a continual battle; everything was kept under lock and key, so much so that I was often unable to find anything to put on in order to go to Mass, and was even obliged to borrow both hat and coat. It was at such times especially that I began to realize my captivity, to which, however, I submitted myself so completely that I never did the least thing, nor did I leave the house, without the consent of these three persons.
From that time all my affections turned towards the Blessed Sacrament of the Altar, where I sought my only delight and consolation. But being in a village and at some distance from the Church, I could go there only with the consent of the above mentioned persons, and it so happened that, when one was willing, another was not. Often when I showed my grief by tears, they reproached me with having made an appointment with some young men, saying that I was disappointed that I was not being able to meet them and be flattered and made much of; and that the desire to go to Mass or Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament was only a pretext I gave.
Yet I had such a horror in my heart for anything of the kind, that I would rather have consented to see my body torn into a thousand pieces than entertain such a thought. At such times I knew not where to take refuge, except in some corner of the garden or stable or other secluded place, where I could kneel and pour out my heart in tears before God through the medium of the Blessed Virgin, my good Mother, in whom I had placed all my confidence. There I remained whole days without food or drink, and as this occurred frequently, poor people of the village sometimes had pity on me and, towards evening, gave me a little milk or fruit. On returning to the house afterwards, it was with such fear and trembling that I seemed to myself like a poor criminal about to receive her sentence of condemnation. I should have considered myself happier to beg my bread than live in this manner, for many a time I dared not take any food when at table. The moment I entered the house, the battle began worse than ever, because I had not attended to the house and to the children of those dear benefactresses of my soul, and, without being permitted to utter a word, I set myself to work with the servants.
I spent the nights as I had spent the days, shedding tears at the foot of my crucifix. There I was given to see, without my understanding it, that He desired to be the absolute Master of my heart, and render me conformable in all things to His suffering life. This was why He wished to constitute Himself my Master, making my soul feel His presence, in order to enable me to act as He did in the midst of His cruel sufferings, which He had borne for love of me.
My soul was henceforth so penetrated with this thought that I would not have wished my sufferings to cease for a moment. For from that time He was always present to me under the form of the crucifix or of an Ecco Homo, or as carrying His Cross. This filled me with such feelings of compassion with the ardent desire I had to suffer, that thereby I might render myself comfortable to my suffering Jesus. I was sorry when those hands, which at times were raised to strike me, were stayed from venting upon me all their rigour. I felt continually urged to render all kinds of services to those true friends of my soul and would willingly have sacrificed myself for them; it was my greatest pleasure to do good to them and speak as well as possible of them. But it was not I who did all that I now write and shall hereafter relate, much against my will. It was my Sovereign Master, Who, having taken possession of my will, did not permit me to utter any complaint, to murmur or to bear any resentment against those persons; nor would He allow anyone to show me pity or compassion, saying that He Himself had been thus treated, and He willed that, when I could not prevent people speaking to me about them, I should excuse them and take blame for myself, adding, what is indeed true that my sins deserve much more.
I have always taken every care and precaution to conceal all that I am now writing, so that naught might be known hereafer, even endeavoring not to retain any remembrance of it, in order to leave all the the memory of My Good Master. I therefore complained to Him of the great repugnance that I felt, but He said to me:
Continue My daughter, continue, neither more nor less will come of this repugnance; My Will must be accomplished.
"But alas! My God, how can I remember what happened more than twenty five years ago?
Dost thou not know that I am the eternal memory of My Heavenly Father, by Whom nothing is forgotten, and before Whom the past and the future are as the present? Write therefore, without fear, according as I shall dictate to thee, and I promise thee the unction of My grace in order that I may be thereby glorified.
In the first place I desire this of thee, in order to show thee that I battle and render useless all the precautions which I have allowed thee to take, to hide the profusion of graces with which I have taken pleasure in enriching so poor and miserable a creature as thyself. Thou should never lose sight thereof, so that thou mayest render Me continual thanks for them.
Secondly, it is to teach thee that thou must in no way appropriate them to thyself, nor be reserved in distributing them to others, since I desire to make use of thy heart as of a channel through which to pour these graces into souls according to My designs, by means drawing many from the abyss of perdition, as I will show thee hereafter.
Thirdly, it is to manifest that I am the eternal Truth and that the graces which I have bestowed in thee are open to every kind of examination and test.
After these words I felt so strengthened that, despite the great fear I have lest this account should be seen, I am resolved to continue at any cost, in order to accomplish the Will of my Sovereign Master.
The heaviest of my crosses was that of not being able to alleviate those of my mother which were a hundred times harder to bear than my own. I did not, however, give her the consolation of speaking about them for fear of offending God by the satisfaction we might have had in conversing about our troubles. I felt this most keenly when she was ill, because, being wholly abandoned to my care attendance, she had much to suffer on this account. At times, everything was locked up, and I had even to go and beg for eggs and other things necessary for sick people. It was no little torture for my natural timidity to be thus obliged to apply to the villagers, who frequently said no more to me on the subject than I would have wished. Once when she was suffering from a dangerous attack of erysipelas in the head, which was much swollen and excessively inflamed, they contented themselves with having her bled by a common village surgeon who happened to be passing by. He told me that she could not recover without a miracle, still no one showed the least trouble or concern except myself.
In truth, I knew not to whom to have recourse, except to my usual refuge, the most Holy Virgin, and to my Sovereign Master the anguish in which I was continually plunged. In the midst of all this, I received from those around me only contempt, injuries and accusations, and I knew not where to take refuge. On the feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord I went to Mass, and I asked Him to be Himself the Physician and remedy for my poor mother, and to teach me what I must do for her. This He did in so merciful a manner that on my return home I found the swelling had burst, leaving an open wound in the cheek, about the size of the palm of the hand, which exhaled so insupportable an odour that no one would approach her. I did not know how to dress a wound, and until then had never been able even to look at or touch one. Having no other ointment but that of Divine Providence, all I could do was remove each day a quantity of putrid flesh, but I felt such courage and confidence in the goodness of my Sovereign Who seemed to be always present, that, in a few days, contrary to all expectation, the wound was healed.
Part 2
During the time of her illness, I seldom went to bed or slept; I scarcely took any food, and often passed entire days without eating. But my Divine Master consoled and strengthened me with perfect conformity to His most holy Will, so that I had recourse to Him in all that happened to me, saying: " O my Sovereign Master! this would not have happened if Thou hadst not willed it so, but I return Thee thanks for having permitted it, that thereby I may be made more like unto Thee."
In the midst of all this, I felt strongly drawn to mental prayer, and this likewise was a cause of much suffering to me, I knew not how to make it, nor how to learn to do so, not having any opportunity of conversing with spiritual persons; all I knew of it was the single word 'mental prayer,' by which my heart was ravished. I again addressed myself to my Sovereign Master, and He taught me the manner in which He which He wished me to make it, which has served me for my whole life. He made me prostrate myself humbly before Him to ask His pardon for everything by which I had offended Him, and, after an act of adoration, I offered Him my prayer, without knowing how to set about it.
He then presented Himself to me in the mystery in which He desired me to consider Him, applied my mind so closely to it, and kept my soul and all my powers so absorbed in Him that I felt no distraction. My heart was consumed with the desire of loving Him, which gave me an insatiable longing for Holy Communion and for suffering. However, I knew not what i do, for I had no time at my disposal except the night, of which I spent as much as I could in prayer. But although this occupation was inexpressibly delightful to me, I did not think it was a form of prayer, and, feeling myself ceaselessly urged to pray, I promised my Divine Master that, as soon as He taught it to me, I would give to it all the time I could. Nevertheless, Hiss Goodness kept me so strongly occupied in the manner I have just said that it gave me a distaste for vocal prayers, which I could never say when in presence of the Blessed Sacrament, being then so absorbed in prayer that I never felt weary.
I could have passed whole days and nights there, without eating or drinking, and without knowing what I was doing, except that I was being consumed in His presence like a burning taper, in order to return Him love for love. I could not remain at the entrance of the church and, inspire of the confusion I felt, I never failed to go as near as I could to the Blessed Sacrament. I envied and counted those alone happy who were able to communicate often and who were at liberty to remain before the most Holy Sacrament, although it is true that I made bad use of my time, and I fear that I did nothing but dishonor It. I also strove to gain the good will of the persons of whom I have spoken above, that I might thus obtain some moments before the Blessed Sacrament. It happened once that, before Christmas, the parish priest gave out from the pulpit that whoever should not have slept on Christmas Eve could not go to Communion; as in punishment for my sins I was never able to sleep on the vigil of Christmas, I did not dare communicate. That day of rejoicing was consequently for me a day of tears which took the place of food and pleasure.
I had indeed committed great crimes, for once during the days of Carnival, together with other young girls, I disguised myself through vain complacency. This has been and was by Him lovingly to me a cause of bitter tears and sorrow during my whole life, together with the fault I committed in adoring myself in worldly attire through the same motive of complacency towards the persons above mentioned. They, were, however, employed by God as instruments of Divine Justice to avenge Himself for the injuries I had done Him by my sins, for they were virtuous persons and had no bad intention in acting as they did with regard to us, and I truly believe that they failed not in any way, it was my God Who willed it thus, and I felt no ill-will towards them.
Alas! my Lord, have pity upon my weakness in the excess of my grief and confusion which, while writing this, Thou dost make me feel so vividly owing to the long resistance I have made Thee. Sustain me, O my God, that I may not succumb under the rigour of these just reproaches. No, I protest that, with the help of Thy grace, I will never more resist Thee, even though it should cost me my life and draw upon me the contempt of creatures; yea, though all the fury of hell should rise up in arms against me to avenge Thee. I implore Thy pardon for my resistance, and I beseech Thee to grant me the strength to accomplish what Thou desirest of me, in spite of the repugnance which my self-live makes me feel.
But to continue : as I grew up, my crosses increased; for the devil, in order to make me fail against the vow I had made, brought about that I should be presented with several advantageous offers of marriage. This drew to the house much company that I was obliged to see, and this was no little torture to me. For, on the one hand, my relations pressed me to accept; and my mother, incessantly weeping, told me that she looked to me as her only hope of putting an end to her misery by joining me as soon as I should be settled in the world, adding that this would be a great consolation to her.-On the other hand, God pursued my heart so powerfully that I had no longer any peace, for not only was my vow constantly before my eyes, but I thought of the fearful torments which awaited me, if I should fail to keep it. The devil especially took advantage of the tender affection which I had for my mother, unceasingly representing to me the tears she shed, suggesting that she would die of grief if I became a nun and that, as she depended entirely upon me for the care and attendance she required, I would be responsible for her death before God. This was an unbearable torment to me, because we loved each other so dearly that we could not bear to be parted. Thus the desire to be a nun, and the extreme horror I had of anything against purity haunted me without ceasing.
All this made me suffer a martyrdom, for I had no respite, and many were the tears I shed, not knowing what course to take and having no one to whom I could open my heart. Finally, the tender love for my mother began to get the upper hand, and I thought that, as I was but a child when I made my vow and did not understand the meaning thereof, I could easily obtain a dispensation from it. Added to this I dreaded renouncing my liberty, for I thought I should no longer be able to fast, give alms and take the discipline as often as I wished; and also that the religious life required such a great holiness in those who embraced it, that it would be impossible for me ever to attain to it, and that I should lose my soul in the cloister.
I therefore began to frequent society and to adorn myself in order to please others, trying to enjoy myself as much as I could. Thou, O my God, wert the sole witness of the extent and duration of this terrible interior conflict, to which I should have succumbed a thousand times over, had it not been for the special help of Thy merciful Goodness, which had designs over me far other than those I planned in my heart. On this occasion, as on many others, Thou didst give me to understand that it would be hard and difficult to resist the powerful goad of Thy love. And, although in my malice and infidelity I employed all my strength and made use of every device to oppose it and stifle its every movement in me, all was in vain, for in the midst of company and amusement it aimed such burning darts at my heart that they pierced and consumed it on all sides; and the pain I felt in consequence rendered me quite speechless.
This not being enough to cause a heart so ungrateful as mine to yield, I felt myself bound, as it were, with cords and dragged with such force that I was at last constrained to follow Him Who called me. He then led me to some secluded place, where He reproved me severely, for He was jealous of my miserable heart, a prey to such untold persecution. Prostrating myself with my face to the ground, I asked His pardon, and He then made me take a long severe discipline. Nevertheless, in spite of all this, I recommenced my resistance as before and returned to my vanities. But when, at night, I took off those accursed liveries of Satan, namely all that worldly attire, the instruments of his malice, my Sovereign Master presented Himself to me torn and disfigured reproaches He said that it was my vanity which had reduced Him to that state, and that I was wasting most precious time of which He would demand a rigorous account from me at the hour of my death. He added that I betrayed and persecuted Him, regardless of the many proofs He had given me of His love and of His desire that I should render myself conformable to Him.This made such a deep impression upon me and caused such painful wounds in my heart that I wept bitterly, and it would be difficulf for me to express all that I suffered or what passed within me.
As I had never been instructed in the spiritual life nor heard anyone speak of it, I knew nothing thereof beyond what I had been taught by my Divine Master constrained to do. In order to some extent to be avenged on myself for the injuries I did Him, and to form afresh this resemblance and conformity with Him, relieving thereby the pain which I endured, I bound this miserable and criminal body with knotted cords, which I drew so tightly that I had difficultly in breathing and eating. I felt these cords so long that they were buried in the flesh which grew over them, and I could not extract them without great violence and excessive pain. I did the same with little chains which I fastened round my arms and which, on being taken off, tore away pieces of the flesh. I also slept on a plank or on sharply notched sticks, on which I took my night's rest; besides all this I took the discipline. I tried to find in these penances some relief to that severe interior struggle and pain which I felt, compared to which all that I suffered outwardly appeared as nothing-although the humiliations and contradictions were, as I said above, continually increasing rather than decreasing-all this, I repeat, seemed to be an alleviation in comparison with my interior anguish. I had to do extreme violence to myself, in order to bear them in silence, according to the instructions of my Good Master, and to keep them hidden, so that nothing appeared outwardly, except that I was seen to grow pale and waste away.
The fear that I had of offending God was a greater torment to me than all the rest, for it seemed to me that my sins were continual, and they appeared to me so great that I was surprised that hell did not open under my feet to bury alive so miserable a sinner. I was seldom able to go to Confession, although I would have wished to do so every day. I looked upon those who remained long at Confession at saints, and thought they were very different from me, who knew not how to accuse myself of my faults. This made me cry bitterly.
After several years had thus passed in the midst of conflicts and various kinds of suffering, during which the only consolation I received was that given me by my Lord Jesus Christ, Who had made Himself my Master and my Ruler, I felt the desire of the religious life rekindle itself in my heart with such intensity that I resolved to embrace it at any cost. But alas! this could not be accomplished until four or five years later. In the meantime my conflicts and difficulties redoubled on all sides, whereas I tried to increase my penances according as my Divine Master permitted.
He now changed His manner towards me, making me see the beauty of virtue, especially of the three vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience and telling me that
by observing them one becomes holy;
this He said, because, when in prayer, I often begged Him to make me a saint. I read scarcely any other books but the Lives of the Saints, and, on opening a book, I used to say to myself: I must find one that is easy to imitate, so that I can do as she did in order to become a saint, such as she was. But I was distressed to see how much I offended my God, and thought the Saints had not offended Him as I had, or, at least, if any of them had done so, they had never ceased doing penance for it. This animated me with a great desire to do likewise, but as my Divine Master inspired me with a great fear of following my own will, I believed even then that nothing would be pleasing to Him, unless I did it from a motive of love and from obedience. My heart yearned, therefore, to love Him and to perform all my actions through obedience, though, as I know not how to practice either the one or the other, I thought it was a sin to say that I loved, because it seemed to me that my actions contradicted my words.
I therefore asked Him to teach me and to show me what He wished me to do in order to please Him. This He did in the following manner: He inspired me with so tender love for the poor that I would gladly have conversed with no other persons. He also impressed upon me such deep feelings of compassion for their miseries that, had it been in my power, I would have retained nothing for myself; therefore when I had any money, I gave it to poor children to induce them to come to me, that I might teach them their Catechism and their prayers. The consequence was that they flocked round me in such numbers that I knew not where to assemble them in winter except in a large room, from which we were sometimes driven out. This was a source of great mortification to me, for I did not wish anyone to know what I was about. I t was generally thought that I gave to the poor everything I could find, but I would not have dared do that for fear of taking what did not belong to me; I was careful to give only what was my own, and even that I did not dare do without leave. Indeed, I was obliged to use endearing words to induce my mother to allow me to give away what I had, but, as she loved me tenderly, she consented more or less willingly. If at times she refused, I remained in peace, and a little later I returned to the charge, for I could no longer do anything without permission. It was, however, not only to my mother that I subjected myself, but also to the three persons with whom we lived, which was a continual martyrdom to me. I thought I had to submit to all for whom I felt the most aversion and to obey them, in order to try whether I could be a religious. The permissions which I was continually asking drew upon me many contemptuous rebuffs and increased my captivity, for it gave them so much authority over me, that it would be impossible for a religious to be more subjected. But my ardent desire to love God enabled me to overcome all difficulties, and I was, therefore, careful to do whatever was most contrary to my inclinations and for which I felt the greatest repugnance. I was so strongly urged to this that I accused myself in confession whenever I failed to follow this impulse.
I had an extreme repugnance to look at wounds; so, in order to overcome myself, I wished to begin by kissing and dressing them, though I did not know how to set about it. But my Divine Master knew so well how to supply for my ignorance, that in a very short time, although very malignant, they were cured without other ointment than that of His Providence; for I trusted more in His goodness than in external remedies.
I was also naturally drawn to love of pleasure and amusement, but I no longer enjoyed them, although I sought them eagerly. The painful sight of my Savior after the scourging hindered me from delighting in them, and the following words, with which He reproached me, pierced me to the heart:
Wouldst thou take this pleasure, whereas I never had any and delivered Myself up to every kind of bitterness for love of thee and to win thy heart? Nevertheless, thou wouldst still dispute it with Me.
This made a deep impression on me, but I sincerely acknowledge that I understood nothing of all this, so great was my ignorance, and so little was I versed in spiritual things, and if I did any good, it was simply because He urged me so powerfully thereto that I was unable to resist. I am conversed with confusion as I write all this, and I would wish it to be known how deserving I am of the most rigorous eternal chastisement in account of my continual resistance to God and my opposition to His grace. I would wish also to make known the greatness of His mercies, for it seemed as though He had undertaken constantly to pursue me and oppose His goodness to my malice, and His love to my ingratitude. The thought of my not having known how to recognize my Sovereign Redeemer, Who from my infancy had ever taken such loving care of me, has been a cause of grief to me all my life.
When I was overwhelmed with amazement on seeing that He was not repulsed by so many falls and infidelities which I beheld in myself, He gave me this answer:
It is because I desire to make of thee, as it were, a compound of My Love and of My Mercy.
On another occasion He said to me:
I have chosen thee to be My spouse, and we pledged each other fidelity when thou didst make thy vow of Chastity. It was I Who urged thee to make it, before the world had any share in thy heart, because I wished to have it quite pure and unsullied by any worldly affections; and in order to preserve it thus, I removed all malice from thy will so that it it should not be corrupted.
I then confided thee to the care of My Holy Mother, that She might fashion thee according to My designs.
And truly, She has always shown Herself a good Mother to me, nor has she ever refused me her help. In all my troubles and needs I had recourse to Her with the greatest confidence, for it seemed to me that I had nothing to fear under Her maternal protection. Therefore I made a vow at that time to fast every Saturday and to recite Her Office of the Immaculate Conception as soon as I was able to read it; I also promised to say daily, during my whole life seven Ave Marias, making seven genuflections in honour of Her seven Dolours, and I gave myself to Her as Her slave, begging Her not to refuse to accept me in this capacity. I spoke to this good Mother quite simply as a child and henceforth felt for Her a truly tender affection.
She reproved me, however, severely when she saw me about to give way to the terrible struggle that I felt within me. For, being no longer able to resist the solicitations of my family and the tears of my mother, whom I loved so tenderly, and who kept telling me that a girl ought to marry at the age of twenty, I began to fall in with her views. Satan, too, said to me continually: "Poor wretch, what do you mean by wishing to be a nun? You will become the laughing stock of the world, for you will never be able to persevere, and how ashamed you will be, when you put off the religious habit and leave the Convent! When will you then go to hide yourself?" Amidst all this I shed bitter tears, for owing to the great distaste I had for marriage, I knew not what to do, till at last my Divine Master, who always kept my vows before my eyes, had pity on me.
One day after Communion He showed me, if I am not mistaken, that He was the most beautiful, the wealthiest, the most powerful, the most perfect and the most accomplished amongst all lovers. After having pledged myself to Him for so many years, how came it, He said, and I now sought to break with Him for another?
Oh! be assured that, if thou dost Me this wrong, I will abandon thee for ever; but, if thou remainest faithful to Me, I will never leave thee, I Myself will be thy victory over all thy enemies. I pardon thy ignorance because, as yet, thou dost not know Me; but, if thou art faithful to Me and followest Me, I will teach thee to know Me, and I will manifest Myself to thee.
While He was thus speaking, He spread such great calm over my interior and filled my soul with such deep peace, that I resolved henceforth to die rather than to change. It then seemed to me that my bonds were broken, and that I had nothing more to fear, for I thought that, if the religious life were (a purgatory), it would be easier for me to purify myself therein during the remainder of my life, than to see myself cast into that hell which I had so often merited by my grievous sins and resistance.
Having thus decided for the religious life, the Divine Spouse of my soul, fearing lest I should again escape Him, asked me whether, considering my weakness, I would agree to His taking possession and making Himself Master of my liberty. I willingly consented, and from that time forth He took such firm hold of my liberty that I never more enjoyed the use of it. From that moment He penetrated so gently and deeply into my heart that I renewed my vow, which I now began to understand. I told Him that, if it were to cost me a thousand lives, I would never be anything but a religious; this I now openly declared, asking that all suitors should be dismissed, no matter in how advantageous a light they were represented to me. Seeing me so resolute, my mother shed no more teas in my presence, but she did so continually with all who spoke to her of it; and they did not fail afterwards to tell me that, as she had no one to attend her, I should be the cause of her death if I left her, and that I should have to answer for it before God, adding that I could be a religious just as well after her death as during her lifetime. One of my brothers, who had a special affection for me, made every effort to turn me from my purpose, offering to assist me with his own means to a better settlement in the world. But my heart had become as insensible as a rock to all this, although I had to remain three years longer in the world.
I was now sent to one of my uncles whose daughter was a religious, and who, knowing that I, too, desired to be one, did all she could to induce me to join her; but not feeling drawn to the Ursulines, I said: "If I were to enter your Convent, it would only be through affection for you, whereas I wish to go to one, where I shall have neither friend nor acquaintance, so that I may be a religious only for the love of God." As, however, I was unacquainted with any other religious Order, I was at a loss to know where to go, and began to fear that I must yield to her importunities, the more so as I loved this cousin very much. She, on her side, made use of the authority which, as my guardian, my uncle had over me, and I dared not resist him. He loved me as one of his own children, and it was for this reason that he wanted to have me near him, and would not allow my brother to take me home, saying that he meant to conquer me. My brother, who had never consented to my desire to be religious, was much displeased with me, for he imagined that I was agreeable to all this and that I wanted to enter the Ursulines in spite of him and without the consent of my family. But this was far from my thoughts, for, the more I was pressed to enter, so much the greater was my aversion to do so, and a secret voice said to me : It is not there that I would have thee, but at 'the Holy Mary's.' I was not allowed, however, to visit them, although I had several relations there, and I was told things about them capable of discouraging the most resolute mind. But the more they tried to dissuade me from joining them, so much the more I liked them and felt my desire to enter there increase, owing to the sweet name of ' Holy Mary ' which made me feel that I should find therein what I was seeking.
Once when I was looking at a picture of the great Saint Francis of Sales, it seemed to me that he called me 'his daughter' and cast upon me a look so full of paternal love that I no longer regarded him otherwise than as ' my good father. ' But I did not dare mention this, and knew not how to withdraw myself from my cousin and her Community, who gave me such proofs of affection that I could no longer withstand them.
As they were ready to open the convent door to me, I received the news that my brother was very ill and my mother at death's door. I was consequently obliged to leave at once and go home without their being able to prevent me, although at the time I was ill myself, more in consequently of being forced enter a Convent to which I did not feel called by God, than from anything else. I traveled all night, the distance being about ten leagues. In this manner I was released, but only in order to take up again a heavy cross, which I will not specify, having already written enough on the subject. Suffice it to say that all my former sufferings were redoubled. I was again told that my mother could not live without me, since my having been away for so short time had been the cause of her illness, and that I should have to answer before God for her death. This being said to me by ecclesiastics, and my affection for my mother being so great, I was deeply grieved, and the devil took advantage of this to make me believe that it would be the cause of my eternal damnation.
Part 3
On the other hand, my Divine Master urged me so powerfully to leave all and to follow Him, that I had no longer any rest. He also inspired me with so ardent a desire to conform myself to His suffering life, that all I endured seemed to be as nothing. This made me redouble my penances, and, prostrating myself at times at the foot of my crucifix, I said: "How happy should I be, O my dear Savior, if Thou wouldst imprint on me the likeness of Thy sufferings!" To which He replied:
This is what I intend to do, provided that thou dost not resist Me and that thou on thy side does contribute thereto.
In order to give Him some drops of my blood, I then bound my fingers tightly and pierced them with needles; and during Lent, I took the discipline every day for as long a time as I was able in honor of the strokes He received during scourging, but however long a time I took it, I was scarcely able to offer any blood to my Master in return for that which He had for love of me. As it was on the shoulders that I scourged myself, I required much time for it. But during the three days of Carnival, I would have wished to tear myself to pieces in reparation for the outrages perpetrated against His Divine Majesty by sinners; I fasted on those days as much as possible, on bread and water, and the food which was given to me, I gave to the poor.
The greatest joy in the prospect of leaving the world was the thought that should I be able to receive Holy Communion frequently, which up to then I had not been permitted to do. I would have thought myself the happiest person on earth, had I been allowed to do so often and pass the nights alone before the Blessed Sacrament. For, when there, I felt so safe that, though I was of an extremely timid nature, I forgot all my fears as soon as I was in this place of my delight. On the eves of Communion I found myself rapt in so profound a silence, on account of the greatness of the action I was about to perform, that I could not speak without great effort; and afterwards I would have wished neither to eat nor drink, to see nor to speak, owing to the greatness of the consolation and peace which I then felt. I therefore used to hide myself in order to learn to love my Sovereign Good, Who so strongly urged me to return Him love for love. But I thought that I could never love Him enough no matter what I did, unless I learned how to meditate. I knew only what He had taught me concerning prayer, namely; to abandon myself to all His holy inspirations, whenever I was able to shut myself up in some little corner alone with Him. But I was not allowed enough leisure for this, because I was obliged to work all day with the servants, and when evening came, it seemed that I had done nothing to satisfy those with whom I lived. They inveighed so loudly against me that I had not the courage to eat, and I withdrew in order to have a few moments of that peace for which I so much longed.
But, as I complained unceasingly to My Divine Master that I dreaded not pleasing Him in all that I did (there being too much self will and self pleasing in my mortifications, whereas I valued only that which was done in obedience), I used to say to Him: "Alas! my Lord, give me someone who will lead me to Thee!"
Am I not sufficient for Thee? He replied; What dost thou fear? Can a child loved as much as I love thee perish in the arms of a Father Who is Omnipotent?
I did not know what 'direction'meant; but I felt an ardent desire to obey, and in His Goodness, my Divine Master permitted that, on the occasion of a Jubilee, a Franciscan Father should come to our house, and remain for the night that we might have an opportunity of making our general Confession. I had written mine about a fortnight before, for although I was in the habit of making a general Confession whenever I had an opportunity, it seemed to me that I could never do it so often enough on account of my great sins. I felt such lively sorrow for them that not only did I shed many tears, but in the access of my grief, I would willingly and with all my heart have published them to the whole world. My greatest anguish arose from the fact that I was so blinded as not to be able to recognize them, nor express myself in such a manner as to show their full enormity. Consequently, I wrote down all that I could find in books which treated of Confession, sometimes including sins, the mere utterance of which filled me with horror. But I said to myself: "May it be that I have committed these sins without knowing or I may have forgotten them, and it is but right that I should have the confusion of accusing myself thereof, in order to make satisfaction to the Divine Justice." It is true that, had I believed myself guilty of the things of which I had accused myself, I should have been inconsolable; and the mere thought of those Confessions would ever after have been a cause of grief to me, if my Divine Master had not assured me that He would pardon all to a will free from malice. When I made my Confession to that good Father, he made me pass over several sheets of paper without allowing me to read them, although I begged him to permit me to satisfy my conscience, being a greater sinner than he thought me to be.
I was in great peace after this Confession. I also told the Father somewhat of my manner of life, concerning which he gave me much good advise. I did not venture however to say all, fearing that it would be through vanity of which I was much afraid, being naturally inclined thereto. It seemed to me that all I did was through a motive of vanity, for I was not able to distinguish between feeling and consenting. I suffered much in consequence, for I had a dread of sin separating my soul from God. The good Father promised me some instruments of penance. I told him that my brother had kept me in the world for the space of four to five years during which time I had constantly thought of becoming a religious. Thereupon he remonstrated so much with my brother that the latter afterwards asked me whether I still had the intention of entering the religion, and when I replied that I would rather die than change, he promised to satisfy me in the matter.
He went, therefore, to make arrangements about my dowry with my cousin, who still continued to harass me, and my mother and relations also wished me to enter that Convent. I was at a loss how to prevent it, but while my brother was away, I had recourse to the Blessed Virgin, my good Mistress, through the intercession of Saint Hyacinth to whom I prayed, and I had several Masses said in honor of my holy Mother, who, to console me, said lovingly:
Fear nothing, thou shalt be My true daughter, and I will always be thy good Mother.
These words calmed me so much that I had not the least doubt of their realization in spite of all opposition. On his return, my brother said: "They ask four thousand (lives), it remains for you to do as you please with your money, for nothing as yet has been settled". I replied in a decided manner "It will never be settled, for I wish to go to the Holy Maries, in a distant Convent where I shall have neither relations or friends, because I desire to be a religious for the love of God alone. In leaving the world, I will do so wholly and entirely and will hide myself in some little nook in order to forget it, to be forgotten by it and to see it no more,"
Several Convents were proposed, but I could not make up my mind about them; as soon, however, as they mentioned Paray, my heart was overjoyed and I consented at once. But I had yet a severe trial to undergo, for I was obliged to go and see the nuns with whom I had been when I was eight years old. They took me into the Convent, called me their child and asked me why I wanted to leave them, adding that they loved me dearly, and could not bear for me to enter the Holy Maries, for they were convinced that I should not persevere. I told them I would try and they made me promise to return to them when I left, for they said they were sure I would never be able to settle down. But inspite of all that was said, my heart remained insensible, and was more than ever confirmed in its resolution, ever repeating: "either die or conquer".
But, I will pass over all the other conflicts I had to sustain, in order to arrive more quickly at the place of my happiness, my dear Paray, where, as soon as I entered the parlour I heard interiorly these words:
It is here that I would have thee be.
Turning to my brother, I told him he would have to settle everything at once, for I should never go elsewhere. This surprised him all the more because he had taken me there merely to see the nuns of 'Holy Mary' without letting it be known that I wanted to be one of them, and I had promised him this. However I would not return home until everything had been settled. Thereupon it seemed to me that I began a new life, so great was the peace and happiness that I felt. I appeared so gay that those who knew nothing of what was going on, said, "Look at her, she is not much like a religious!" and in truth, I wore more trinkets than I have ever done before, and took part more frequently in amusements, on account of the great joy which I felt at seeing myself wholly and entirely belonging to my Sovereign Good. While I am writing this, my good Master often makes me this loving reproach:
See, My daughter, whether thou canst find a father, whose love for his only son has prompted him to take such great care of him or show him such delicate proofs of his love, as are those which I have given and will yet give to thee of Mine; for from thy tenderest years it has borne kindly with thee, and has trained and formed thee after My own manner, awaiting thee patiently, without being disheartened in the midst of all thy resistance. Remember, therefore, if ever thou shouldst be unmindful of the gratitude thou owest Me and not refer the glory of all to Me, it would be the means of making this inexhaustible source of all good dry up for thee.
At last the long-wished-for day dawned on which I was to bid farewell to the world. Never before had I felt such joy and firmness of purpose, for my heart seemed to be insensible to all the marks of affection and sorrow which were lavished upon me, especially by my mother, and I shed not a tear on leaving her. It appeared to me that I was like a slave who sees herself released from her prison and her chains, in order that she may enter the house of her Spouse to enjoy, without reserve, His presence, His wealth and His love. This is what He said to my heart which was overcome with joy, and I could give no other reason for my vocation to 'Holy Mary,' than I wished to become a daughter of the Blessed Virgin. Nevertheless, I must own that when the moment of my entrance arrived, which was on a Saturday, all my former sufferings returned, which combined with various others made such a violent assault upon me that it seemed, on my crossing the threshold of the Convent, as though my soul were about to be separated from my body. Immediately after, however, I understood that Our Lord had cut off the sackcloth of my captivity and was clothing me with His robe of gladness. In a transport of joy, I exclaimed: " It is here that God wills me to be! " and I felt engraven on my mind the persuasion that this house of God was a holy place, that all who dwelt therein must be holy, and that the name of 'Holy Mary' signified that I must become a Saint at any cost, abandoning and sacrificing myself to all without reserve or restriction. What sweetened the things that appeared most difficult to me in those beginnings was that every morning for some days, I was awakened by the following words, which I distinctly heard, although I did not understand them: Dilexisti justitiam, and the remainder of the verse; and at other times: Audia filia et vide, ect; and again: " Thou hast known thy path and thy way, O my Jerusalem, house of Israel! But the Lord will guide thee in all thy ways and will never abandon thee." All this I told my good Mistress, without understanding it, for I looked upon her and my Superior as upon my Lord Jesus Christ on earth. As I had never known what it was to be guided and directed, I was happy to find myself in a state of dependence, so that I might be able to obey, and I considered all that was said to me as so many oracles, feeling that I should have nothing to fear when acting under obedience.
As I asked my Mistress to teach me how to make mental prayer for which my soul hungered so greatly, she could scarcely believe that, having entered religion at the age of twenty three, I knew not how to make it. Upon my assuring her of my ignorance, she said: " Go and place yourself before Our Lord like a blank canvas before a painter." Not understanding what she meant, I would have liked her to explain, but I dared not ask her to do so; however, an interior voice said to me:
"Come, and I will teach thee."
As soon as I went to prayer, my Sovereign Master gave me to understand that the canvas was my soul whereon He wished to paint all the features of His suffering life, which had been spent wholly in love, silence, privation and solitude, and finally had been consummated in sacrifice. These characters He would imprint on my soul, after having purified it from all the stains with which it was as yet sullied, both through the love of self, and through affection for earthly things and for creatures to whom my compliant nature was much drawn.
At that moment He deprived me of everything, and after having emptied my heart and laid bare my soul, He enkindled therein such an ardent desire to love Him and to suffer that I no longer had any rest. He pursued me so closely that I had no leisure except to think of how I could love Him by crucifying myself. His goodness towards me had ever been so great that He has never failed to provide me with means of doing so.
Although I concealed nothing from my Mistress, I nevertheless found the designs of extending her permissions with regard to penances, and of going beyond her intention. When in the act of doing this, our Holy Founder interposed and gave me so severe a reproof that I have never since had the courage to recommence. His words remained deeply engraven on my heart:
What is this, my daughter, dost thou think to please God in surpassing the limits of obedience, which is the foundation and principal support of this Congregation, and not austerities?
Thus I spent the time of my probation, animated with an ardent desire to belong entirely to God, Who in His mercy was ever urging me on in order to make me attain this happiness. When at length I received our Holy Habit, my Divine Master gave me to understand that now was the time of our espousals by which He acquired a new right over me, and that I was now doubly bound to love Him with a love of preference. He gave me further to understand that, after the manner of the most passionate of lovers, He would, during that time, allow me to taste all that was sweetest and most delightful in the tokens of His love, which were indeed so excessive, that I was often quite overcome thereby and incapable of acting. This was a cause of such confusion to me that I did not dare show myself, for which I was reproved and told that such was not the spirit of the daughters of Holy Mary which admitted of nothing extraordinary and that, unless I renounced it all, I could not be received.
This distressed me greatly, and I made every effort and spared no pains to withdraw from this way, but all my efforts were in vain. My good Mistress contributed also on her part, but without my understanding it. Do what I would, I found it impossible to follow the method of prayer presented to me and was always constrained to return to that of my Divine Master, although I made every effort to forget all and turn away from Him. Seeing this and knowing to learn how to make it, I was given as aid to a Sister who made me work during the time of meditation, and when I asked my Mistress to be allowed to make it at another hour, she reproved me severely, saying that I could make my prayer while working during the exercises of the novitiate. I did so, and the sweet joy and consolation which my soul experienced was in no way diminished but on the contrary was ever more increased. I was ordered to hear the points of meditation in the morning, after which I was to leave the choir and employ the time in sweeping until Prime. I was then required to give an account of my prayer, or rather of that which my Sovereign Master made in me and for me. In all this I had no other object in view but to obey; in doing so I felt an extreme pleasure despite any bodily suffering which might result therefrom. At such times, I was wont to sing:
" The more my love they contradict, The more love's flame towards Him doth tend; Though day and night they me afflict, My soul from Him they never can rend. Though suffering ever should be my part, He'll draw me closer to His Heart.
Although my sensitive nature felt keenly all humiliations and mortifications, I nevertheless had an insatiable desire for them, and I was constantly urged by my Divine Master to ask for them. This procured me a few good ones, for although I was refused those for which I had asked, as being unworthy to preform them, others that I little expected were imposed upon me, and these were so opposed to my natural inclinations that, in the violence of the efforts I had to make, I was constrained to say to my Good Master: "Alas! my God, come to my help, since Thou art the cause of them!"
This, He did saying:
Acknowledge that thou canst do nothing without Me, Who will never let thee lack help, as long as thou keepest they weakness and thy nothingness lost in My Strength
Part 4
I will mention only one of these occasions of mortification which seemed to be beyond my strength, and in which He truly permitted me to feel the effect of His promise. It concerned something for which our whole family had so great a natural aversion that, when making arrangements for my reception, my brother requested that it should never be asked of me. As the matter was indifferent in itself, consent was easily given. It was on this point that I was asked to overcome myself; everyone harassed me so much about it, that I knew not on what to decide, the more so as it seemed to me that it would be a thousand times easier to sacrifice my life; and if I had not cherished my vocation more than my life, I would have been prepared to renounce it rather than resolve to do what they desired of me. But it was useless to resist, since my Sovereign Master asked of me this sacrifice, on which so many others depended. For three days I struggled so violently that I excited the compassion of all, especially of my Mistress; I did my utmost to do as she told me, but then my courage failed, and I nearly died of grief at not being able to overcome my natural aversion. "Alas!" I said, "take away my life rather than let me fail in obedience!" Whereupon she sent me away with these words: " I see you are not worthy to practice obedience; I now forbid you to do what I had ordered you." That was enough for me. "Either die or conquer!" I said, and going before the Blessed Sacrament, my usual place of refuge, I remained about three or four hours imploring with tears and groans the strength to overcome myself. "Alas! O my God hast Thou abandoned me? Must there still be some reserve in my sacrifice instead of its being wholly consumed as a perfect holocaust!" But my Lord, wishing to try to the utmost the fidelity of my love for Him, as He afterwards showed me, took pleasure in watching the conflict going on in His unworthy slave between Divine Love and natural repugnance. At last, however, He was victorious, for without any other consolation or arms than these words:
There must be no reserve in love,
I went to my Mistress, and kneeling before her, I begged her to allow me in pity to do what she had desired of me. I did it at last, although I never in my life felt so great a repugnance to anything, and the same was renewed each time I had to repeat the act during the following eight years or thereabouts.
After this sacrifice, my Sovereign Lord redoubled His graces and favors which inundated my soul to such an extent that I was frequently forced to cry out: "O my God, stay this torrent which overwhelms me or increase my capacity to receive it!" But I will omit mentioning here all His predilection for me and those outpourings of pure love, which were so great that I should not be able to express them.
All this gave rise to fresh trials as the time for my Profession drew near. I was told that it was evident I was not capable of acquiring the spirit of the Visitation, which feared all such ways as are open to deception and illusion. I represented this to my Sovereign, to Whom I made the following complaint: "Alas! my Lord, wilt Thou then be the cause of my being sent away?" To which He replied:
Tell thy Superioress that she need not fear to receive thee, that I answer for thee and that, if she will trust Me, I will be thy surety.
On my telling her this, she ordered me to ask, as a proof of security, that He would render me useful to holy religion by the exact observance of all that is prescribed. To this His loving Goodness replied:
Tis well, my daughter, I grant thee all this, for I shall render thee more useful than she thinks, but in a manner known at present only to Me. Henceforth, I shall adjust My graces to the spirit of thy Rule, to the will of thy Superiors and to thy weakness; so that thou must regard as suspicious everything that might withdraw thee from the exact observance of thy Rule, which it is My will that thou shouldst prefer before all else. Further, I am satisfied that thou shouldst prefer the will of thy Superiors to Mine, whenever they may forbid thee to do what I command thee. Suffer them to act as they please with thee; I shall know well how to find means for the accomplishment of My designs, even though they may they may appear to be opposed and contrary thereto. I reserve for Myself only the guidance of thy interior, and especially of thy heart, for, having established therein the empire of My pure love, I will never yield it to others.
Our Mother and my Mistress were satisfied with this promise, the effects of which were so manifest that they could no longer doubt that they were the words of the Truth; for I had no interior disquietude, and my only desire was to obey, in spite of anything I might have to suffer in so doing. Esteem and praise were for me an intolerable martyrdom, and I looked upon them as just chastisements for my sins, which appeared to me so great that, in expiation for them and as a means of satisfying Divine Justice, all imaginable torments would have been sweet to me to bear.
Having at last attained the long desired happiness of holy profession, it was on that day that my Divine Master willed to receive me for His Spouse, but in a manner that I find myself incapable of expressing. I will merely say that He adorned me and treated me like a spouse of Thabor. This to me was harder than death, seeing in myself no resemblance to my Spouse, Whom I beheld all torn and disfigured on Calvary. But He said to me:
Let Me do everything in its time; for I will have thee now to be the sport of My love, treating thee according to its good pleasure, as children treat their play things; thou must, therefore, abandon thyself blindly and without resistance, allowing me to please Myself at thy expense; thou wilt lose nothing thereby.
He promised never again to leave me, saying:
Be ever ready and disposed to receive Me, for henceforth, I will make My abode in thee that I may be able to hold familiar converse with thee.
From that time forward, He allowed me continually to enjoy His divine presence, in a manner which I had not yet experienced. Judging by the effects which this has ever since produced in me, I had never received so great favor. I saw and felt Him close to me, and heard His voice much better than if it had been with my bodily senses. For in that case I could have diverted my attention and turned away from Him, but I could put no hindrance in the way of this impression which I had no share in producing in myself. It imprinted in me so deep a sense of self-annihilation, that I felt, as it were, sunk and annihilated in the abyss of my nothingness, whence I have not since been able to withdraw myself. Penetrated with respect for this infinite Majesty, I would have wished constantly to remain either prostrate on my face before Him, or on my knees, and indeed I always did so far as my occupation and my weakness permitted, for He allowed me no rest in any less respectful posture, so that I never dared remain seated, except when in the presence of others.
At the same time, He gave me so deep an insight into my great unworthiness that I dared not show myself but with a strange feeling of confusion. I wished no longer to be remembered except to be despised, humbled and insulted; for this is all that I deserve. This treatment was so pleasing to the well-Beloved of my soul, that despite my pride and susceptibility He let me find no pleasure in creatures except when I met with these occasions of contradiction, humiliation and abjection, which it was His will should be my most delicious food, nor did He ever permit it to fail me or allow me to say: " It is enough." On the contrary, He Himself supplied what was wanting on the part of creatures or on my own. But, O my God, it was in a manner far more painful when Thou didst contribute Thy part; this would take too long for me to explain.
He deigned to converse with me sometimes as a friend, at other times as a spouse passionately in love, again as a father who dearly loves His only child, or under other titles. I refrain from speaking of the effects this produced in me and will only mention that He revealed to me two sanctities in Him, the one of love and the other of justice both rigorous in their degree, which would continually be brought to bear upon me. The former would make me suffer a most painful kind of purgatory, in order to relive the holy souls therein detained whom, according to His good pleasure, He would permit to address themselves to me. And as for His sanctity of justice, which is so terrible to sinners, it would make me feel the weight of His just rigour by causing me to suffer for sinners, and
especially, He said, for souls consecrated to Me, regarding whom I will in future make thee see and feel what thou must suffer for love of Me.
But, O my God, Thou Who knowest my ignorance and inability to express all that has since taken place between Thy sovereign Majesty and Thy poor unworthy slave by the ever-operative effects of Thy love and Thy grace, grant me the means of being able to say somewhat of that which is most comprehensible and tangible and which may show to what an excess of liberality Thy love has led Thee towards so miserable and unworthy an object.
As I held nothing back from my Superior and my Mistress, although it often happened that I understood nothing of what I told them, they impressed upon me that extraordinary ways were not suitable for the daughters of Holy Mary. I was deeply grieved at this and made every effort to turn aside from this way, but in vain, for the Spirit which led me had already gained such power over mine, that not only my mind but all my interior powers were wholly absorbed in Him and I was no longer mistress of them. I did my utmost to follow the method of prayer and other practices which were taught me, but I was not able to retain anything. It was in vain that I read my points of meditation, for all vanished from my mind, and I could neither learn nor retain anything except what my Divine Master taught me. This was a cause of no little suffering to me, because they (ie her superiors) did their best to destroy His action within me, and I was ordered to do like wise. I made every effort to resist Him, and followed minutely all that obedience demanded of me in order to withdraw me from His power which however, rendered all my attempts useless. I then poured out my heart to Him, saying: "Why O my Sovereign Master, why not leave me in the ordinary way of the daughters of Holy Mary? Hast Thou then brought me to Thy holy house to destroy me? I beseech Thee, give these extraordinary graces to such chosen souls as will correspond with them better and glorify Thee more than I do, for I only resist Thee. All I wish for is Thy love and Thy Cross, that suffices for me to become a good religious, which is all I desire".
Let us, He replied: continue the conflict, My daughter, I am quite content to do so; we will see who will be victorious, the Creator or His creature; Strength or weakness, the All powerful or powerlessness; but whoever is conqueror will remain so for ever.
This filled me with deep confusion, whereupon He said:
Be assured that I am not by any means offended by all these struggles and the opposition thou dost make Me through obedience for which I gave My life; but I will teach thee that I am absolute Master of My gifts as also My creatures, and nothing will be able to prevent Me from carrying out My designs. Therefore, not only do I desire that thou shouldst do what thy Superiors command, but also that thou shouldst do nothing of all that I order thee without their consent. I love obedience, and without it no one can please Me.
This was so agreeable to my Superior that she told me to abandon myself to His guidance; which I did, and my soul, which had hitherto suffered a cruel agony, was now filled with peace and joy.
After Holy Communion He asked me to renew the sacrifice I had already made Him of my liberty and of my whole being, and I did so with all my heart. "Provided, O Sovereign Master!" I said, "that Thou wilt never allow anything extraordinary to appear in me, but what may cause me humiliation and abjection before creatures and lower me in their esteem. For, alas! O my God, I feel my weakness, I fear to betray Thee, and that Thou gifts should not be in safety with me!"
Fear nothing My daughter, He replied: leave all to Me, for I will constitute Myself the Guardian of them and render thee powerless to resist Me.
"What then, My God! Wilt Thou always let me live without suffering?"
Immediately a large cross was shown me, the extremity of which I could not see, but it was all covered with flowers.
Behold the bed of My chaste spouses on which I shall make thee taste all the delights of My pure Love. Little by little these flowers will drop off, and nothing will remain but the thorns, which was hidden because of thy weakness. Nevertheless, thou shalt feel the pricks of these thorns so keenly that thou wilt need all the strength of My love to bear the pain.
These words delighted me, as I thought I should never find enough suffering, humiliations or contempt to quench the burning thirst I had for them, and that I could never experience greater suffering than that which I felt at not suffering enough; for my love for Him gave me no respite day or night. But I was distressed to be enjoying so much sweetness. I wished for the cross alone; and in order to do this I desired to see my body always overwhelmed with austerities of work, of which I did my share as far as my strength permitted; for I could not live a moment without suffering. The more I suffered, the more I satisfied that sanctity of love, which had kindled three desires in my heart that unceasingly tormented me. The first was to suffer, the second to love Him and to receive Holy Communion, and the third to die in order to be united with Him.
I no longer cared for time or place, since my Sovereign Lord accompanied me everywhere. I was quite indifferent to the use which was made of me, being certain that, as He had given Himself to me without any merit on my part, but sorely through His goodness, He could consequently not be taken from me, and this made me happy everywhere. I experienced this when, during the retreat before my profession, I was made to look after an ass and its foal in the garden. This occupation gave me no little trouble, for I was not allowed to tie them up, and was ordered to keep them within the limits of a small corner that had been shown me, for fear they should do harm to the garden, but they did nothing but about. I had no rest until the evening Angelus when I went into supper; during a part of Matins I returned again to the stable to feed them. Still I was so happy in this employment that I should not have minded had it lasted all my life. My Sovereign Lord kept me company so faithfully, that all this exterior exercise did not distract me. At this time I received graces so signal that I had never before experienced anything similar, in particular a deep understanding of the mystery of His Sacred Passion and Death. But this is a fathomless abyss to write about, and fearing it to be too lengthy, I refrain from doing so. I will only say that it has given me such an intense love of the cross that I cannot live a moment without suffering, but suffering in silence, without consolation, alleviation or compassion, and in fine dying with the Sovereign of my soul, overwhelmed by the cross of every kind of opprobrium, of sorrow and of humiliation, forgotten and despised by all. This has lasted all my life, which through His mercy, has been entirely spent in this manner which is that of pure love, and He has always taken care to provide me with these viands, so delicious to His taste, that He never says:
It is sufficient.
One day, on account of some fault which I had committed, my Divine Master gave me the following lesson.
Learn, He said, that I am a Holy Master and One that teaches holiness, I am pure and cannot endure the slightest stain. Therefore thou must act with simplicity of heart and with an upright and pure intention in My Presence. Know that I cannot endure the least want of straightforwardness, and I shall make thee understand that, if the excess of My love has led Me to constitute Myself thy Master, in order to teach and fashion thee after My manner and according to My designs, nevertheless I cannot bear tepid and cowardly souls, and if I am gentle in bearing with thy weakness, I shall not be less severe and exact in correcting and punishing thy infidelities.
He has made me experience this all my life. For I can say that He did not allow the smallest fault to pass, in which there was ever so little willfulness or negligence, without correcting and punishing me for it, although always with His infinite mercy and goodness. Nevertheless, I own that nothing was more painful and terrible to me than to see Him ever so slightly displeased with me. All other sufferings, corrections and mortifications were nothing to me in comparison. Hence it was that I went promptly to ask for penance for my faults, for He was satisfied with those imposed upon me by obedience. The faults He reproved most severely were a want of respect and attention in presence of the Blessed Sacrament, especially during the Office and Mental Prayer; a want of uprightness and purity of intention, also vain curiosity.
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